Wednesday, September 29, 2010


I have no title for this post. I'm not really sure what to call it other then something like my random ramblings but that sounds too chipper for how I'm feeling.

My mom called last night to tell me that my grandma's hospice nurse thinks that she will be heaven bound possibly within a week. It's so much to process. The hardest part is being so far away. I was tempted to hop on a plane and go see them but I don't think that is what would be best right now with having a family of my own to take care of. I really feel like my mom needs this special time alone with her mom too. It's just hard to swallow that I won't be seeing my grandma again on this side of heaven. It's even harder to grasp that Emersyn won't get to play with her, she won't meet any of my future children, etc.

I feel like I'm in somewhat of a daze. I am feeling very behind in life and that always brings me kinda down. The last two weekends have been crazy busy and I have had company at my house for all but 4 days of the last two weeks which I enjoy but it makes for extra busy-ness.

I am so grateful that my mom and Grandma were able to come out a couple weekends ago. It was seriously a miracle that they did. If the trip had been planned for one week later, it would have been cancelled due to Gigi's declining health.

I have only done two days of my "Breaking Free" study and I think I'm supposed to be on something like day 16 and that makes me really sad. I know that God has wonderful things to show me through this study but I need to make the time. I am feeling really short on time lately, not sure where it's all going but I know I just don't have enough of it.

When I get kind of down and out I get so unmotivated which does not help when you are trying to lose weight, let's be honest. Who gets sad and thinks, I'll make a salad? Not me. Maybe someday I'll be someone that gets out their frustrations and sadness by working out but that it not me at the moment. I don't really care....just want to get past all this with my Gigi.

I try to tell myself that this is just life. Everyone loses their grandparents at some point and moves on. But that doesn't make it any easier right now.

I talked with my dad this morning and told him my decision to not go out to MN unless my mom needs me and in that case, I'm there in an instant. Several friends have advised me to just hang on the memories that I have with her and cling to those and I think that is good advice.

I have had a dull headache for two days.

Part of me wants to just take off for the beach for a couple of days. Not that that is even an option or possibility but it sounds nice. The other part of me wants to just finally fold the giant laundry of clean clothes in my room that seems to haunt me. My room in general is a mess which is usually the case when we have company; everything gets shoved in my room to deal with later.

This morning Emersyn had her second gymnastics class. It wasn't quite as fun as the first one but I think it could have been my somewhat melancholy mood. Emersyn was so darn cute though. Not as many somersaults as before but she did find some new things in the obstacle course that she loved. I kind of just let her run around and pick which things she wanted to do but next time I'm going to make sure she does each one. I think she'll learn more that way. She is so funny, when she gets excited she sticks her tongue out and has this ecstatic look of pure joy.

After gymnastics I ran to the store and then came home and whipped up dinner. Nothing like needing to keep your mind off things to result in some productivity. I made homemade sloppy joes, a cucumber tomato salad, and cut up a cantaloupe. We have been eating out a LOT lately due to a busy schedule and I'm kind of sick of it.

After work tonight I am going to go home and snag the laptop and head to Starbucks. I need to gather my thoughts alone and write my grandma a letter. I wanted to wait to do it at the beach on Friday afternoon, just seemed like a fitting place to do it since Gig loves the ocean but I worry that she might not get a chance to read it if I do that.

Geez. Sorry to be such a downer. I just needed to get this off my chest though, I feel a little better now. Thanks in advance for your thoughts and concern; I have the best bloggy friends. :)


Jules said...

Prayers for your Grandma and your family....

Tyler said...

Sending much love and many prayers your way!!! I am here if you need to talk!

LeAnna said...

I'm so sorry you're dealing with this. :( As my Grandparents age it makes me sad to think of this, too. I'm so glad you had a chance to make some wonderful memories with her when she was there, praise God for that. {hugs}

Melissa said...

Praying for you, Patti! For real! I'm so sorry you are going thru this. I know it is hard.

I can has your sloppy joe recipe? LOL. :)

Jocelyn said...

I am just now getting caught up and realizing what is on your mind and heart. It's a hard reality to face for sure. I think taking some time to get away to write is a wonderful idea.

Your grandma is blessed to have such a thoughtful granddaughter-not just one who thinks the world of her, but one who also strives to let her know in a tangible way through written words.

It is easy to feel down when things pile up because it's a visual reminder that we're falling behind. Maybe now is a good time to let someone come do a deep clean since you don't have time and you know a clean house makes you feel better.

I can't make it over to your house tomorrow and it sounds like you're headed to the beach on Friday. If you are up for it, I'd love to cook for you soon after that if you want one less thing to think about.

Momma Hunt said...

I am sure this is a really difficult time andyou are in my thoughts

sister sheri said...

So glad you have a bloggy community that will lift you up during this time of need. I love you!