Thursday, April 8, 2010

Deferred Dreams

I had some thoughts swirling around in my head and sometimes blogging them out is the best thing to do with those kinds of thoughts. :)

As most of you know, I work away from my home part time. This is something I struggle with at times but most of the time I am fine with it. I am good at telling myself, "for such a time is this" and having a good attitude. Emersyn is a very well rounded child for the most part and I know that when I am at work, she is in very capable hands, whether with her Nana or at a playdate. On Thursdays she gets to have special afternoons with her Daddy and that makes me happy too. I don't have to work until 1pm so our mornings are very fun and often full of activities, playdates, or just some special Mommy/Emersyn time. I don't work so that we can afford a lavish lifestyle. I work so that I can help pay our bills and have affordable health insurance. People have said, "you really should look at your budget and see if you could stay home". It's not as simple as cutting out cable or not eating out as much. My husband is an amazing provider and an extremely hard worker for our family. I feel that he is undercompensated right now but his future is bright with the company he has been with for over two years now. God has really opened the right doors for him at his job and we know with all our hearts that God will bless Brett in his career.

But.

Every once in awhile I get impatient. And a little whiny. And I start feeling sorry for myself. I'm sure that never happens to any of you, right? :)

In my dreams, I never envisioned working while being a mom. Sometimes I express these concerns to the Lord, as if to show Him where He deviated from MY plans and offer Him the opportunity to fix it!

But then I read a story of a family that lost their child to cancer. I hear the Lord whisper to me, "Do you think their dreams included losing their child??".

I see my friends struggle with being single. "Do you think they dreamed of being single at this time in their lives??", He whispers.

I see different friends struggle with infertility. Again, probably not in their dreams either.

All the sudden, my deferred dreams don't seem so tragic or life alterring. (As I re-read this, I don't mean to imply that being single is tragic at ALL, I just know that many of my single friends long to find their husbands and that is a similar dream to mine, a family related dream).

I really should re-read "Anonymous", the book I read last summer. It is all about the "hidden" times in our life, when we feel like the Lord doesn't see or acknowledge how WE would do things differently.

Life is SO much bigger then what we make it sometimes and I believe that God has a purpose in everything. What if I am at my job right now JUST so that I can cultivate a friendship with someone that needs HIM in their lives? What if I am at this job just so that God can have an opportunity to prove His faithfulness and provision in my life, to use as a testimony later to bless someone else? What if, what if? He is the only one that can see ahead into our futures and knows the reason for every season in our lives. No season is more significant then another. I need to be better at trusting Him. I feel like I say that a lot. I need to put that into action though. What does trusting LOOK like for me? Something for me to ponder....

I never ached to be married with all my heart or waited a long time to have a child. Those dreams came true for me relatively easily. The dream of staying home with Emersyn and any future siblings is one that the Lord is requiring me to have some patience with. All I can do is be obedient, look at my husband and daughter and think to myself, "The Lord has been pretty stinkin' good to me so far......I think He has earned my trust".

What dreams are you waiting to see come true? What dreams have you had that you have HAD come true? I would love to hear some great testimony's ladies!!


5 comments:

Melissa said...

This was an excellent post. And i totally understand. Obviously not TOTALLY b/c i'm not even expecting yet. But i often think about when we have kids. I pray that i am able to stay home. And yes people say it just works out or to cut out some things. But if they only saw our paychecks! Hubby & i did not graduate college. We both do not make a lot. I actually make a teeny bit more than he does. He has the ability to make more - if he gets a promotion or decides to let his music production be his career (he could write film scores - & they pay big bucks! LOL.) but he's not there yet. Someone that stays home w/ her family told me that they do it b/c they make it happen w/ the budget - cutting things out like you said. Then she told me how much her husband makes & i was like DANG. He makes MORE than what my husband & i make PUT TOGETHER. She had kept saying they don't make much. And they don't, relatively speaking. he's not rich by ANY means. But we make less than that together! Will brad be able to support me & kids??? This is a worry to me. I know i'm not supposed to worry! But i'm just saying!

I decided that when i get prego, if i have to work, then i will ask my job to let me work from home. NO ONE does that there. But it can be done. I pray & pray that they will let me when the time comes. They have no idea i'm going to ask them that! Everyone else at work that have kids - they all work full-time & their kids are in daycare. IF they say no, i will work part-time. I hope they even let me do that! YIKES!

But anyway - all that to say i totally understand. And i get the whining too ;) b/c i'm occasionally whining about how i want a house (we have a trailer).

But you are right - God has us where we are now for a reason. And we just have to trust him. :) I love your examples of how not everyone has things how they had hoped.

Can't wait to hear that you get to stay home!!!!

tea said...

This is such a good post. I love your heart and I pray that God blesses you with your desire to stay at home with your little one.
It's never easy waiting for a dream, but God is so good to us.

sister sheri said...

Great post, Patti. It is so good to get perspective, isn't it? Knowing that God has not promised things will be the way we want them... but that He will always be with us.

Anonymous... an annual read for me!

The Flinns said...

Hi! Im one of your readers---dont think Im creepy--haha I saw a lot of your posts on babycenter--we were pregnant at the same time and in hte September 2008 group together--saw that you had a blog and have been following--your under my blog as babycenter friend patti-lol!

Anyways your blogs are inspiring me to be a better christian mommy, and this one especially touched my heart because I have been struggling big time with working outside of the home. Everyone says it gets easier but Bray is almost 20 months old and it HASNT! I too dreamed of being a SAHM when I had children, and while my husband is a good provider I work to help pay our bills and put food and clothes on my little guy. THank you for giving me a different outlook on it. I need to enjoy my life and KNOW that God is in control and HE will provide just the way HE knows HE needs to for us to live a prosperous life in his name. Its so hard to get caught up in hte lives of my sister in laws or friends or other family memebers that get to live the life I dreamed for myself yet take advantage and complain about being home--saying they "need a break"--they dont cherish every second liek I feel I would---but then I realize Im judging and my jealous bug is rearing its ugly head---your post will help remind me when these feelings sweep over me that in Gods time I will see why I am where I am and it reminds me to Trust that HE is going to provide so much abundace in my future! Thanks again!

Mandy said...

Patti,
Here I am again. Wanted to post on this when it was posted but for some reason, didn't. I wanted to let you know that I SOOOOO get where you're at. My daughter is 3 1/2 and I have worked mostly full time outside of the home her entire life. My husband works full time outside of the home as well. And together, we don't make a whole lot of money. Not to mention, since before my daughter was born, we have been on opposing shifts. I worked days, he worked swing . .. in retail . . . with no set days off and certainly not weekends.
We moved from OR to WA in December in hopes that our load would lighten and unforunately, we haven't seen it lighten the way we had hoped . . . yet. Our schedules have gotten worse on one aspect and better on another. We have 30 minutes together for dinner on most weekdays, between 5:15 and 5:45 (in between our work shifts) and then he has blocked his availability on Saturdays so we can have one FULL family day a week which is nice. But during the week, it is hard. When you add on top of that that neither of us really enjoy our jobs . . . it makes for an extremely difficult situation where I often find it very hard to be positive, optimistic and grateful. I have to remind myself to be thankful that we have jobs, that we have a nice place to live and that are daughter (though a tantrum throwing toddler) is very well rounded and gets a great deal of time with her daddy! Yay! But we too, have deffered dreams of a life beyond our here and now. Daily I have to will myself to trust that God has a bigger, better plan for us and someday we will see it. Anyway . . . there's my story. Now you know even more about me. :)