I feel like I have probably written a post like this before but alas, I need to hear it again. Blogging is therapeutic sometimes, like I'm writing to myself. I don't do it often but when I do it's always fun to look back on and read.
Tuesdays mornings I go to a Ladies Bible Study at my church and I enjoy it so much. This morning though, I almost didn't go. Tuesdays are a bit crazy. The little guy I watch gets here around 7:30. I usually get ready before he gets here which means an early morning for me. Then I have to keep him entertained as well as get my two kids up, fed and dressed, with a bath for Emersyn because she has the craziest bed head that can't even be calmed with getting wet. It has to be washed in order to settle down. Anyways, needless to say, it's a lot of work. Then I have to pack milk for the boys, make sure Brett switches the car seats to the van, bring my workbook, make sure I have a bar snack for the road....just a lot of prep and with three kids no less. (I am sounding really whiny and first world problems-ish, sorry). As I drove to church this morning I was totally beat and thought to myself, why even go? It's so much work to get there and plus, Everett has been so fussy lately that he might not even stay in the nursery and then I'll have a whiny fussy toddler that just wants to get down and crawl while I'm supposed to be participating in a discussion. Ugh!!
I got to church, dropped the kiddos off in the nursery and could hear the echos of Everett throwing a fit through the church. :/ Thankfully we have an amazing nursery staff and I knew he was in good hands, he just needed a nap. I prayed that the pager would not go off and that I would have a few hours of sweet relief.
Listening to Beth Moore speak via dvd absolutely amazes me. Her words just drip with wisdom and her cute little southern accent is just too cute. Today's lesson was wonderful and totally met me where I'm at.
"We will either wrestle all our lives with unmet expectations or intentionally rest our souls in God" said Beth. Oh man, this resonated with me. I feel like I have been wrestling with unmet expectations and often find myself with resentment in my heart as hard as that is to admit. I love having two children but I thought that having two children meant I'd have the Pottery Barn catalog life. You know, perfectly put together children and amazingly organized rooms. I assumed that by the time I was the age I am at with two kids that I would have a big house, nice car, STUFF to show for it. A husband that brought me flowers and showered me with affection and adoration. A daughter that obeys my every command and a little boy that plays quietly with just a few toys. I thought that when I became a stay at home mom I would have TIME to actually get things done. Expectations.
Instead, I've been blessed with a rather defiant daughter at times, but with a heart that longs to please her mama. She's talented and gifted in ways that I can't wait to see cultivate as she grows up and I don't take the responsibility of raising a daughter lightly. I've got a very curious little boy that can crawl up the stairs with lightening speed and loves getting out my new glass tupperware to play with. With Emersyn we didn't childproof except for one cupboard with chemicals in it. I don't think the story is going to be the same with Everett. :) I've got a very sweet and loving husband who has a crazy busy work and school life and God bless him, he just doesn't think about things like flowers that often and that's okay. And my time is spent caring for the three of them, our home, and other ministry opportunities that have come my way. My time isn't spent doing the things that I would like to do sometimes. In fact, RARELY is it spent doing the things I want to do.
I know that this is a season but it's been wearing on me. I've been having thoughts of maybe going back to work part time but I'm not sure who would watch my kiddos and also, with Emersyn going to preschool it complicates things. Paying for childcare could make working pointless but there are days when I long to drop my kids off somewhere and go to work with grown ups and get some recognition, some validation for my talents and abilities. Plus, when I was working my house stayed so much cleaner...there was no one home to mess it up! :) However, I feel strongly that Brett and I brought these children into the world....it's our responsibility to raise them.
I was sharing with my table this morning about how I've been feeling unsettled lately but in a good way? Not unsettled like with worry or fear but unsettled, like I'm wanting more out of life. I feel like I'm stuck between seasons. I shared how I feel like maybe I'm wanting to go back to work part time, find something for ME outside the home. I feel like ME is important, right? A dear friend that I respect very much gently said that she disagreed. She said that as she's walked in motherhood (her oldest is a few years older then Ems), she's learned that it's important that she bloom where she is planted and serve her family and her husband during this season. She has a degree in education and loved being a teacher before becoming a mother and would love to go back to teaching but knows that the Lord has her in the season for now and she has to bloom where she's planted.
I started thinking, if I focused as much energy on thinking about how to better serve my family instead of how I can get away from them (in a sense) and better myself, I would be a much better wife and mother. Yes, taking care of myself is important and mama deserves girl time and me time every so often. But more importantly is taking care of my family and deciding that I am going to master THIS season of my life.
"Trust in Him at all times, O people, pour out your hearts to Him, for God is our refuge". Psalm 62:8. Beth talked about how we can run to our refuge but that our faith is meant to be lived out in the real world, not from the shelter of our refuge. Running is a big tendency for me. When I'm having a tough day I get on Groupon and think, I need a weekend away with Brett....that would fix everything. When I have rough chaotic days with kids I think, I need to get away and get a job!! Running. But in the wrong direction. God is calling me to run to HIM with those struggles. Run to HIM in my exhaustion. Run to HIM with my weary soul. And in HIM I will find rest. Now is the season to trust him. Not when the kids are in school (which some days I find myself counting the days until), not when I finally achieve that Pottery Barn Kids organization, not when I finally have all my stuff together because we both know that day is never going to come.
"Find rest, O my soul, in God alone; my hope comes from Him". Psalm 62:5. This is a truth that I hope to pass onto my children...Lord that I would find rest and hope in YOU alone.
On Sunday morning a minister from Uganda came and preached at our church and described how he was on a school bus once that was attacked by rebels and he had to climb over bodies to escape and felt bullets whizzing by his head as he fled. Kind of puts my *chaotic* life in perspective. :)
Finding rest.....how do YOU do it? What does that look like for you? It has to mean more then going out and getting pedicures every so often...it's something we must do daily. An act of pouring out all the hurts, worries, frustrations, and fears in our heart to make room for what God wants to pour in. Love. Joy. Peace. Patience.
As the three children in my home are sleeping (hallelujah) and I listen to the little fountain in my backyard, my soul is at rest as I share this with you and it's right where He wants me to be.
I pray that you can find your place of rest today too. :)