Birthday Eve

Tomorrow I enter the ranks of the *real* grown ups out there....those that can be defined as in their "30's". Wow. It makes me chuckle when I think back on how I spent so much of my adolescence wishing it would go by faster and thinking that I was NEVER going to get married, NEVER going to be a mommy. Before marrying Brett, I had some dramatic tendencies. He helped extract those once we were married, ha! Anyways, now here I am in my home with my mini-van in the driveway, my toddler running around like a wild woman and her sweet sibling growing in my tummy and making me sicker and sicker as the days go on. It's lovely. :)

For the most part I was okay with turning 30. Then this week happened and I've been faced with several failures from real estate deals to friendships and it's hard to know what to make of it all. I feel like it's timely with this birthday and instead of sulking and feeling sorry for myself, I am choosing to draw near to the Lord, which I have a feeling could be why these events occurred in the first place. Whenever I feel like things are spinning somewhat out of control, I know that is the Lord calling me back to Him and it's a challenge to re-focus. Clearly I can't succeed in my own strength; I mean CLEARLY. It's an ugly thing to be reminded of, especially when it seems to be one thing after another.

For some reason I thought all my problems would be solved when I quit working. I had this idealistic picture in my mind of a woman that had endless energy, a well behaved toddler, a well kept home, and had the perfect balance of friends and social time. Well, that hasn't happened. In fact, NONE of it has happened. I tend to blame my pregnancy but then I realize that it's *always something*. I don't want to go from "I can't because I work" to "I can't because I'm pregnant" to "I can't because I have two kids" to "I can't because.....". BUT at the same time, this pregnancy really has taken a lot out of me and I have stepped back from some things in life. There is a season to do that though, right? But with that comes hurt feelings from friends I've apparently neglected without meaning to and misunderstandings.

All of this leads me back to my Heavenly Father and His promises for me. I can't do this on my own and it's about time I quit trying. I'm excited to enter my 30's. Life doesn't look exactly as I'd imagined, particularly I don't look like I'd imagined I would on my 30th bday but God is good nonetheless. I want to go into my 30's confident about the woman He has called me to be and have that be enough.

As I enter this new chapter I am challenged to start my days off with the Lord again like I was when I was working. I think having too much time on my hands can be a challenge for me. I used to do well knowing that I only had a couple hours to utilize before I had to get ready for work. Now that I don't have those restrictions I feel like I've been slacking.

This post kind of feels all over the place but these are just some thoughts that I needed to get out. I'm feeling a little discouraged, a lot actually, but trying to just press forward and strive for change rather then wallow in self pity. :) After all, tomorrows my BIRTHDAY!!!! :)