Sunday Morning Thoughts

The message at church this morning was amazing. Our Pastor's wife spoke and it was so enjoyable and refreshing. I love leaving church feeling that way, don't you? It is such a great way to start your week.

It is has been a little bit of a rough summer for me, I have to be honest. I have felt drained, both physically and emotionally. The car accident has taken a toll on me with daily chiropractor appointments to juggle and trying to rest enough to let my body heal from the trauma of the impact.

There has also been an emotionally draining situation that I want to talk about but in the most vague sense possible. I would love it if you, blog readers, would let me be vulnerable and share the thoughts in my heart that were prompted by this morning's message. Just take them for what they are and don't try to think too much of what this situation could be or who it might be with. :)

Friends, my husband and I have been accused of something. (Nothing criminal or anything serious, just a dramatic over reaction!) It is related to a conflict that has been going on over the last couple years. It is a conflict between us and someone else, and yet there is now a mutiny against us that is led by people who have nothing to do with our conflict. I mean like NOTHING to do with it, except that they know about it. And guess what? In a sense, the accusation is true. Yes, we have decided to set a boundary and vowed to change an unhealthy relationship and pattern for our own sake and mostly for the future of our family, meaning Brett, myself and our daughter. Part of this vow has included seeking a third party to help mediate and heal the misunderstandings that have occurred. And we WERE moving forward; trying to take little steps towards restoration...... But the prosecution has chosen to get in the middle of it and call our desire to get change and resolve things something ugly and negative; thus creating the accusation . The prosecution has decided to bombard us with long emails, texts and even *gasp* Facebook messages, saying things like "you should be ashamed of yourself" and insinuating that we aren't acting Christian. All of these messages are coming from fellow Christians and people that we care about very much too, which makes it even more hurtful and confusing. Here's the interesting part....guess what the prosecution's source is?

Gossip. 100% of it. People talking about us, complaining about us, etc.

Yup, you read that right. Wait though, us Christians NEVER gossip....just sometimes we have "prayer requests" that gives us a free pass to talk about people in a negative context....but as long as you disguise gossip as a prayer request, you are good to go, right? Or someone will say "how are so and so doing" and seeing an opportunity to "request prayer" you can say, "oh you need to pray for them because you will never believe what is going on, etc. etc.".......

And because we have chosen to NOT gossip, our side of the story goes unheard.

And that is the way it will stay.

My tongue is nearly chomped off at this point from me biting it constantly for the last week or so. Everything in me wants to get real ugly and bring out all the reasons as to why this conflict is happening and prove our point and make people understand why we have made a choice that we have. But instead I bite down. Because for me to get that point across, I would potentially make someone else look bad by revealing the hurtful actions and behaviors that have occurred, and I am not going to do that. I am better then that.

The message today was on messing up and sinning. Pastor Linda told the story of David and Bathsheba and how he had an affair with her, they conceived a baby, etc. About how David mourned his sin in the Psalms and asked God to create a clean heart in him.

I do not believe that we are in the wrong in our situation. And for the wrong that we have committed, we had actually already apologized and asked for forgiveness. I am sure that I have said things, thought things and maybe even behaved in a way that was driven by anger or hurt and that IS a sin, I can acknowledge that for sure. But you know what? God Himself never says, "you should be ashamed of yourself". Instead He says, "there is no condemnation for those who are in Christ". I am accountable to God for my actions and I don't have to listen to a single word that is written or texted or spoken that is judgmental or trying to prompt me into feeling shameful. Hallelujah!!

Pastor Linda talked about how we can fall into slimy pits of sin or despair. She said that often we will claw at the walls of our pit and then give up and start moving in furniture. And then, other Christians will walk by us in our pit and instead of offering to throw a rope or give you a boost out, they point at you and say "shame on you". How awful. I feel like I have been in a little bit of a pit this summer, not one of sin necessarily, but one of saying to myself "well, if all these people think that I am a bad person then I guess I am..."

I used to think very highly of what people thought of me and often my self worth was rooted in hearing compliments and words of affirmation. I feel like I have heard so much negativity this summer, it has cancelled out anything positive that may have been said. I feel like the Lord is calling me to Him and to see Him for my self worth. I am valuable not because of how I look, of what kind of car I drive, of how well dressed my daughter is, how clean my house is; none of that. I am valuable because first and foremost I am God's daughter! And then I am Brett's wife and Emersyn's mommy. That is enough for me.

This situation is really too bad and I pray for reconciliation someday. However, I have a daughter and a family to protect and in an effort to protect her, I need to protect myself from potential pits of depression or low self worth. I need to dive into God's word and equip myself with tools to combat those thoughts of doubt or of condemnation.

I hope that in no way I have offended anyone with some of my sarcasm about other Christians. I just think that we owe our Lord to be a better representative of Him sometimes. Myself included, believe me, this is something that I am well aware of. And remember, as Christians, we are all in this together! If you ever need a boost or a rope thrown while you are in a pit, just let me know! :)