Tuesday, May 11, 2010

Dear David & Jenny....

I am sure you have better things to do in Hawaii then read my little ol' blog but in the event that you happen to stumble across it, I wanted to put together some of the advice that my oh so wise friends have offered you, along with some thoughts of my own.

Your wedding was beautiful and Brett, Emersyn and I were honored to be a part of it. It is very evident to me that God brought you together and that He has an amazing future in store for you.

It was always very important to me that David marry someone that I would get along with. Because of my relationship with my brother, I knew that we would always be good friends and envisioned our children growing up together as best buds and cousins. I wanted David to find a girl that would love and accept him, despite some of his weird unique personality traits. :) I wanted someone that loved being with family and that wanted to be a part of our lives. I am so happy that he found that in you Jenny. Jenny, I love your sense of humor. I love that Emersyn knows you as her "Auntie" and that during my dad's birthday party on Wednesday, you were the only person she wanted to be with other then myself. I love how you watched Emersyn last summer, free of charge, while I was dealing with some stressful childcare situations. I love that you love my brother and encourage him to be a better man.

Now, I didn't get overly emotional at your wedding, probably because I was busy trying to entertain my very tired toddler, but I do get emotional writing this blog. Jenny, you are it now. You are the one who David will rely on when he is sick, feeling down, or needing advice. I will always be David's big sister (although I am working on the big part, ha ha) but our relationship will definitely change. I won't miss his nasty sunflower seeds in my coffee mugs but I will miss our candid chats during the day when he lived with us. I won't miss his black socks that he insisted on leaving in my living room each night, but I will miss him saying "Uncles home" to Emersyn when he got home from work. I know that each of you will always be a big part of our lives and we are excited for all that the future has in store for all of us!

Okay, here is my marriage advice, not that you asked for it.... :)

I fully agree that sometimes it is best to go to bed angry. Some of our ugliest, meanest fights have occurred in the late hours of night when you are vulnerable, tired, and sometimes (oftentimes) unreasonable. Sometimes a good nights sleep brings clarity. I do think that the idea of "don't go to bed angry" comes from the philosophy of not brushing things/issues under the rug. Don't let anger plant it's root in your hearts over issues. You WILL get on each other's nerves. But talk it out and find compromise.

Other advice that I feel is valuable is to never give in to the peer pressure of "husband bashing" or "wife bashing". Always be each other's biggest fans and never put each other down in front of other people.

Another thing that I have learned while married (and it took me awhile) is that I am accountable to God for the kind of wife I am, despite what kind of husband I am married to. I have found myself sometimes thinking, "well, Brett never does this or hardly does that.....why should I?"etc. But then I realized that it is my job to honor the Lord and my husband in whatever I do. Having a selfless attitude is one of the biggest challenges in marriage but it's also the most rewarding. Grandma Inglis told me once, "don't expect 50/50 in marriage....if each of you gives 70% and only expects 30% you will exceed each others expectations everytime".

And finally, the most important thing I have learned in marriage is something that I think you guys are great at already.....never lose sight of your friendship which is what brought you together in the first place. Enjoy each other, laugh together, take time to connect daily and put down your phones, computers, video game systems *cough*David*cough*, etc. Marriage is a blessing and will be the greatest adventure of your life so far. :)

Okay kids, I will leave you with advice from my friends who were so kind to take the time to offer it so you know it must be good!!! :)

*We have been married for 27 years and have found a couple key things to keep our marriage strong. The biggest is communication. Men and women think so differently that we have to have many conversations on what is going on in our heads and why we think the way we do. This helps from hurting each other's feelings. The other is marriage is give and take, life is no longer just about you. Good luck and congratulations!

* I wanted to comment on your post today for your dear brother.My marriage advice is something my husband taught me early on in our marriage, and a concept I am still trying to fully grasp. And that is that love is a CHOICE. We don't fall in or out of love with someone. We must make the conscious effort daily (sometimes more frequently than that) to love that person that we have committed our life to. Things WILL change, change is inevitable but choices are in our control. Then there is the advice my MIL gave me . . . Fight Naked. It's hard to stay mad at each other when you're facing each other down in your birthday suits. :) (I can honestly say, I have yet to put this particular piece of advice to good use. But it always gets a laugh.)

*Pray together daily and start your morning off in the Word together daily - It's such a blessing! Also, never go to bed without dealing with a problem. And one more little bit of advice... Never withhold sex as a punishment... Those are my little random bits of "wisdom"... ;)
Oh and one more thing, always remember, you are on the same team. She's/He's not out to get you. Don't be quick to take offense, ask for her/him to repeat him/herself in a different way - I can't even tell you how often it clarifies what was said and takes out the offense that derived from miscommunication. Praying for a wonderful wedding day and start to your lives together!!Britt Clarkson :)

*I agree with the advice listed above. I also want to say take a moment to breathe during the ceremony, reception, etc and REALLY take it all in. It goes fast and those memories last a lifetime. Also, while this goes against some beliefs. Its OK to go to bed angry, occasionally. My husband knows I love him and I know he loves me. Sometimes we both need to stew a little. We get a good night's sleep and either are clear-headed enough to figure it out, or we can laugh about it. Either way its a better solution. If the worst should happen in the middle of the night and one of us DIES without apologizing, we will both know that we were loved beyond belief, and occasionally had a disagreement. Love your spouse where they are at, where ever that may be. Never stop talking to each other, little stuff and big stuff. Never stop laughing or having fun. I really think that is a key thing to remember, and I know its gotten my husband and I through some difficult situations. Think of each others' families as your own. There is no "in-law" in my vocabulary, (although I use it occasionally for clarification's sake). Congratulations to David and Jenny!

*The best advice we got was to ignore the "Don't go to bed angry" advice. Let me tell you, at 10 pm, I'm tired and my emotions are all over the place. Staying up until things are worked out can actually make things worse. Our problems never seem as big in the morning after a good night's rest.

*Swallow your pride and be willing to forgive & open to forgiveness. Hanging on to the past keeps you from looking forward to your future.

Have an amazing honeymoon brother and sister-in-law!!!!! We love you!!!!!


Melissa said...

This is SUPER sweet! & i love the thoughts on "don't go to bed angry". Love what you said about it! I will remember that!

Sarah said...

What a sweet post, Patti! Blessings to David and Jenny for a wonderful adventure ahead!

Sue and Kevin said...

Beautifully said "Sissy" !
Love you