Tuesday, October 11, 2011


**Warning, this is kind of a downer post**

So I am several weeks late to this blog post link up but better late then never, right? I'm excited to be reading the book pictured above, along with other ladies at the (in)courage virtual book club. And go figure, since I committed to reading it, the Lord has provided brief snippets of time for me to read. I struggle with knowing how to prioritize things in life but that's a whole other blog post, right? :)

The gals that are facilitating the book club asked it's members to write about our fears since that is what this book is all about.

I have found that as I get older, I worry more and more. Probably a LOT has to do with the fact that I am a mother now and that has softened my heart quite a bit. As a teenager and even young adult, I definitely feared some things in life, like being single forever or not ever having kids but those weren't REAL fears, more just worries. They weren't life or death issues either, more just an issue about my happiness and personal fulfillment. It was easy for me to trust God with those *fears* though, and again, I use the term fear lightly in that situation.

But as I've gotten older and learned how powerful the love is between a husband and wife and a mother and children, my fears have intensified greatly to the point of being exhausted over them at times. For instance, as I write this, my son is asleep upstairs in his crib and my stomach is in knots over whether or not he is breathing. I've done everything right to prevent SIDS, we've got the breathable bumper, fan on, I don't smoke, etc. But still, bad things happen to good people and I can't control God's plan. I worried about SIDS with Emersyn but it's so much worse this time around. In fact, on the way home from the hospital I remember tearing up thinking that I just didn't want to get too attached to Everett because if something happened to him I would be just devastated and maybe if I didn't love him too much he wouldn't be taken away from me. Absurd, right? I know, totally irrational and probably largely hormonal but still, it's a very real fear for me.

We go to Central Oregon usually a couple times a year and the drive there is very curvy, in the mountains and often through inclimate weather depending on the time of year. I have a fear of driving in general, but on this drive in particular I am always sick with worry. It doesn't help that my neighbors and their son were killed in an accident on this particular drive, leaving behind two teenage children. I can't help but think of them whenever we make this drive.

My in-laws live pretty close to me and the quickest way to get to their house is on a two lane back country road that scares me to death, especially when I am not driving. When I am driving, I feel more in control but when Brett comes home on that road late at night, I am beside myself with worry. I forbid him to pass people on this road and sometimes he forgets to warn me that he is going to pass someone and it completely freaks me out and I usually start bawling because it so traumatic to me. I just fear car accidents and a large part of this is because I was in an accident a couple years ago and since then, being a passenger in a car is really hard for me at times.

I struggle with fear pretty much any time that Emersyn isn't with me. Will she choke on something when I'm not there to cut up her food into mircroscopic pieces? Will she be with someone that won't keep an eye on her and she'll run into the street and get hit by a car? Will she find a coin in a room and choke on it?

I struggle with fear in large crowds due to the sad world we live in and the terrorist events that only seem to get more frequent.

I *sorta* struggle with the fear of dissappointing my husband and children, not living up to my fullest potential in life, etc. but those fears are so much easier to manage because I have a say in them. They are something I CAN control.

I guess a lot of fear is about control in a way, or lack thereof. I do think that a big reason why I am so fearful a lot of the time is because of how easy it is to see all the terrible things that happen in the world via the internet. I have read SO many blogs about mom's losing babies to SIDS, pediatric cancer, etc. My Twitter feed is always full of news stories about car accidents, home invasions, etc.

The part that is so discouraging is that to me, this kind of fear will never end if I don't change my way of thinking. We will only go on on MORE trips as life progresses, it's not like if we just get here, this fear will end. I think of that every time we drive to central Oregon...I worry so much on the way there, then breathe a sigh of relief, and then remember that we have to drive home which is a whole other set of worries. My children will only grow up to be older and I will lose more and more control over their safety. I shudder to think of them driving on their own someday. I'm going to have to invest in some knee pads during that phase of life because on my knees praying is pretty much where I'll be anytime they leave the house.

I know this has been kind of a downer post and I'm sorry for that but I'm really praying that this book and me spending some time really seeking out God's answers to these fears will help me. I am a rational person and I know that things can happen. I know that Brett, Everett and Emersyn aren't *mine*, they belong to God and I can't control how long I get to enjoy them here on earth. I pray every single day that it's for a very long time of course, but I also have to hold them with an open palm and give them back to God everyday. Without a faith, I don't know how people even leave their houses. It's a scary world out there.

If you struggle with any of the same fears I do, I'd love for you to go through this book with me. My BFF in Idaho is going to be reading it as well. :)

1 comment:

sister sheri said...

Praying that you find strength and courage as you work through this book. That you will find comfort in God's hands protecting those things that are dear to your heart. So glad that you are sharing your journey with us.