Monday, November 14, 2011

It could happen....

For the past several months I have been witnessing one of my dear friends go through a terrible terrible tragedy in her life. Her husband has decided that he doesn't want to be her husband anymore. They have two kids; her daughter is a month younger then Emersyn and her son is five days older then Everett. Due to a variety of circumstances that I am not at liberty to go into, initially I was hopeful that this could eventually work out and that the marriage could be restored. I'm still praying for a miracle but at this point, it's looking very unlikely as he has decided to proceed with the divorce.

I have cried many tears for my friend and felt my heart literally aching inside my chest for her and her children. Life is so unfair sometimes and my friend is an incredible woman. I've been called to a new level of friendship through this experience and have prayed and interceded on her behalf more then I ever have for anyone else. There's nothing I can do for her except pray and love on her through texts, messages, and playdates. She lives about an hour from me so it's not always easy to get together. I feel so at a loss sometimes. How do you help a friend with this sort of need? Sure, I could show up at her door with a casserole but what she truly needs, a restored marriage, I cannot give her. And it breaks my heart.

Through this experience, my faith has grown. This whole nightmare started before our sons were born and I've been there each step of the way with her. I've watched her go through the various stages of grief and yet, her faith has never wavered. I think when someone goes through something so awful, you take comfort in thinking "that could never happen to me". I am certain that before this experience, my friend would have said the same thing. Her and her husband were a solid couple, involved in their church, lots of friends in the community, etc. I used to think that couples that ended in divorce had to just have ignored red flags in their marriages and that it for sure could have been prevented. Now, I'm not so sure...

What I've learned in all of this is that despite my *best efforts*, this could in fact happen to me. My husband is a wonderful man and I am thankful everyday to be his wife. But the simple truth is that he is human. Does this mean that I should just abandon the maintenance of my marriage? Absolutely fact, since this whole situation has happened I have tried actively to be a better wife, less nagging, more praising, etc. But if my entire existence is based on being Brett's wife, I am setting myself up for disappointment. Brett cannot meet all my needs or be my everything. I must rely on my relationship with my heavenly Father to do that for me.

I don't worry about this happening to me, let's be clear on that. And if Brett were to read this, he might initially be offended because of how much he loves me and I don't doubt that for a second. But I really feel the Lord urging me towards a deeper relationship with Him through this trial with my friend and while focusing on being an excellent wife and mother IS important, those things are a natural fruit of abiding in HIM daily.

I love my children, my husband and my life. It's easy for me to dive headfirst into life and not think about any my own personal walk with the Lord. However, I don't want to end up as a middle aged mom who's kids are grown and I seemingly have nothing left to live for. My own personal faith is the most important thing and out of that, my ability to be excellent in all that I do is attained.

If you think about it, please say a prayer for my dear friend and for me too....I long to be the best support that I can be to her.


LeAnna said...

I'm so sorry your friend is going through this. Something I've noticed through the course of seeing people (family, friends, etc) go through divorce, is how one of the two usually step away from God at some point. Their heart is on a slow journey to being hardened. Because, really, if two people hold fast to the realization that it is their relationship and faith in Christ that completes their relationship with their spouse, there wouldn't be divorce. It's a travesty when it happens to someone who so desperately wants everything to be whole again. I will pray that God gives you wisdom on how to best minister to your friend during this time of hurt. I can't even imagine how she feels. :(

Kristi said...

Wow. This really spoke to me. I too need to strive to be based in the Lord more. Thank you for this post. I am praying for both you and your friend.

Melissa said...

This has broken my heart on more than one occasion over the past two years. SEVERAL of my friends have gotten divorced. All but two of them were because the husband decided he didn't want to be married anymore. All but one of them were christian families. And all but one were surprising...VERY surprising! Ones where the wives are FABULOUS wives...I know we never know what goes on behind closed doors, but seriously!

It has left me wondering... what is WRONG with men that they are searching for someone or something better...when they HAVE IT ALREADY!? Why are they leaving? And on all of these (besides the one which was a cheating situation) the wife was completely blindsided! The guy never communicated that they were unhappy.

It's frustrating & i feel & understand your grief, Patti. Will definitely pray for you & your friend.


MiMi said...

During this time, I will be praying for her Marriage!

Matthew 19:6
So they are no longer two, but one. Therefore what God has joined together, let man not separate.”
Matthew 19:5-7 (in Context) Matthew 19 (Whole Chapter)
Mark 10:9
Therefore what God has joined together, let man not separate.”
Mark 10:8-10 (in Context) Mark 10 (Whole Chapter)

Angel said...

What a wonderful post! I have been through the same thing, aching for a friend's hurt and it is so amazing how He uses us to comfort His children.