Busy bakers

Life around my house has been crazy lately. Like I said yesterday, we are down to one car which means I spend a large part of my (or what seems like anyways) driving back and forth from wherever Emersyn is hanging out that day (usually at her Nana's in Tigard) and my work in Hillsboro and either Brett's work downtown or the MAX lightrail station.

Because of all this driving, I feel like our evenings are so short and sometimes my heart aches a little at the lack of time that I get to spend with Emersyn due to work and just LIFE I guess. Last night we got home at about 7:45 and I decided to just seize the opportunity to spend some quality time with my girl. Fortunately, she had already eaten dinner (thank you Brianne!) so we didn't have to spend time preparing and eating. Brett heated up some leftover pizza and I decided to wait to eat until after Emersyn went to bed.

Emersyn just LOVES the pumpkin loaf at Starbucks; who doesn't?!?! I knew I had a can of pumpkin in my pantry so I decided that our evening would be best spent baking. Ems and I made these pumpkin muffins from AllRecipes.com. (I used a 15oz can of pumpkin in place of the fresh roasted pumpkin and also substituted applesauce for the oil).

"I'm ready to bake Mommy!"

Instead of spending the evening dwelling over the fact that I didn't get to spend as much time with Emersyn as I might have liked, I seized the evening and made a fun memory with my sweet girl. It won't be long before I don't have as much on my plate with work and I can say with full confidence that I will NEVER take my life as a SAHM for granted.

Do you ever get discouraged with how *busy* you are?

"That's up to YOU!"

Emersyn with her doll from the Ukraine that her Great Grandparents sent her for her birthday. So special!

Thanks SO much everyone for your well wishes and concern over my sick little household. We're all doing much better. I am pretty much over my cold and so is Emersyn. Brett's feeling better and is back at work too!

Emersyn's little bestie Stella is here this afternoon while her parents go to the beach with our Young Adult's ministry (they are the pastors) and we will be driving down after nap time and after Brett gets off work to meet up with them. Should be a fun evening and I figured it's probably the last chance I'll get to see the beach while the weather is still nice(ish).

I have been reading Stormie Omartian's book, "The Power of a Praying Wife". I actually won this book on another blog and it's located within a 3 in 1 type book that has "The Power" of a praying wife, parent, and woman. I like the ideas of having prayers to kind of jump off of and to pray more intentionally. I know God doesn't care if we're eloquent in our prayers and sometimes we can just be silent before Him and He knows our hearts. However, I believe there is power in prayer and power in praying specifics.

I was reading the introduction to the praying wife section and almost skipped it. It kind of focused on praying for you husband, even when you don't want, even if he is being awful, etc. I felt urged to keep reading and didn't really understand why, I feel like my marriage and relationship is better then ever. However, as I was reading I came to a part that made me understand why I had needed to keep reading. The Lord is funny like that. He used a totally different subject to convey a message about another subject.

Stormie talks about a dialogue that a frustrated wife might have with the Lord regarding her husband. In the dialogue, she is basically complaining to the Lord about her husband and ultimately says, "help me have a good attitude about this Lord" to which the Lord bluntly says "that's up to you".

That's up to you.

This part really hit me like a ton of bricks. See, I have this thorn in my life. Remember my thorn post last year? We all have thorns of some kind in our lives, whether it be a relationship, person, situation, etc. The Lord gives us thorns to keep reminding of how much we need Him. I have been praying, "Lord, HELP me have a good attitude about this thorn" and I felt him gently slap me upside the head while reading and say, "that's up to YOU!".

I think too often we rely on the Lord to "help us" with our attitudes. But the problem with that is that attitude is part of our God given free will. He can't help us have a good attitude, that is our decision. When we spend time in prayer, our hearts are softened naturally and THAT can help change our attitude but again, that's because we CHOOSE to pray.

Last night I went out for a fun girls night. Often time girls nights become a place to chat and then chatting leads to venting. I vented about my thorn. And I shouldn't have. On my way home last night, I heard the Lord shaking His head disapprovingly, even making that little "tsk tsk" sound. I know better. I believe there is a time and a place to vent and seek guidance from our friends. But I wasn't venting about my thorn for any other reason then to vent, not seek guidance or counsel. Shame on me.

I am asking the Lord to change me this week in regards to my attitude about my attitude, ha! I am committed to spending time in prayer, not just for my thorn (which isn't NEARLY as prickly as it has been) but for my life in general. I want to abide in Him so that He can abide in me. And I CHOOSE to have a good attitude, I CHOOSE to let His light shine in me and that doesn't include complaining or thinking negatively.

I don't want to be one of those women who is always complaining about something. My life is far too blessed for such behavior. I want the fruits of the Spirit to be evident in my life and those include patience and love.

Ha ha, speaking of patience, Brett and I started "The Love Dare", have you heard of that book?? I got it for our anniversary and we just started day one on Tuesday night. We haven't read any more because of being sick but Tuesday night was all about patience and treating each other with respect and in a loving way. The Lord has a sense of humor. Shortly after reading about patience, I am stuck inside my house with a sick husband and baby for THREE days. There were many opportunities for patience, let me tell you. I am excited about this book, if you haven't heard of it you should check it out. I'll let you know how it's going. I really found myself stopping myself when I was getting frustrated and thinking, "am I being patient and kind?".

Anyways, just wanted to share my thoughts and encourage us all to CHOOSE to have joy, CHOOSE to have a good attitude. Life is just too darn short to live any other way I think!

Happy Sunday!!

The Balance of Being Busy

Balance.

Something I am constantly striving for and shockingly enough, actually feel like I'm coming close(r) to acheiving.

When Emersyn was younger, I hoarded our time together. I didn't pursue friendships for myself except for a select few, and I defined my quality time with her as us at home, doing nothing but soaking in each other's presence. But instead of actually soaking in Emersyn's prescense, I often took advantage of her sweet easy going disposition and mastered the art of keeping up with the laundry, making dinner each night and having a presentable home. I struggled very much with feeling adequate as a new mom (which I'm finding we ALL do) and those feelings mixed with some good old fashioned hormones led to a mild case of postpartum depression. I talked with a counselor, which I HIGHLY recommend if you are struggling with any sort of sadness or anxiety, and through a couple 30 minute chats I was able to redefine some of my expectations. Most of our chats consisted of ME chatting myself through my feelings. One thing that the counselor made me realize was that by participating in activities and playdates with Emersyn, I might actually pay more attention to her versus being the busy body that I am at home and trying to be the queen of multi-tasking.

So, over time I started to fill up our schedule more. Because of Brett's work schedule, my availability for social time is kinda limited. He is off Thursday and Friday so those are special family days for us and then most of my friends have their family days on the weekends so I am only left with Monday, Tuesday and Wednesday to hang out with mama's on playdates. Tuesdays I am usually involved in something at church and so Monday's and Wednesday's quickly became full with playdates and other fun social things. And yet, I found myself overwhelmed with the same inadequate feelings and this time, my house was a MESS due to lack of time at home. My house being messy leads to a wickedly cranky Patti. In addition, I started to feel like Emersyn was just plain tired. It's a lot for a toddler to be going going going all the time.

Thus, I have tried to scale life back down to a reasonable pace. I have realized that Emersyn and I NEED mornings at home together on days that I work occasionally. It's quality time that both her and I enjoy and it makes for a much happier mommy and toddler. This means that sometimes I let people down when I realize that's 3 weeks before I can get together but the friends that truly understand that are the ones that I treasure the most.

--

Busy.

This is a word that makes me cringe.

Every so often a friend will say, "think you can squeeze us into your busy schedule"? Or last week I met with the women's ministry director at church and she said that she had been wanting me to get involved for some time but that several people had told her that I was too "busy".

I am blessed to have a large network of friends through going to a large church, reconnecting with high school friends via Facebook, new mommy friends that I meet through current mommy friends, etc. Because of my limited availability like I explained earlier, yes, it does appear that I am *busy*. But I still have priorities. I still want a pie chart of my time to reflect quality activites; activities that matter in light of eternity ya know? I never want to give my friends the impression that I am too *busy* for them....that just makes me sad. My neighbors paid for a babysitter the other day and I asked why they didn't ask me first (I am a HUGE believer in child care swapping, for reals) and she said because she knows I am always *busy*. I think she was also respecting the fact that it was one of my family days but still, I would have loved to be asked and had the opportunity to help them out. I am inspired when I hang out with awesome women. I am so grateful for my farmer's market buddy whose husband also works on Saturdays. It's NO fun to go to the market by yourself (even with Emersyn), surrounded by families whose husbands DON'T work on the weekends. Hanging out with Caitlin makes me forget that and makes me LOVE my Saturdays, even though Brett works. Sundays are a little harder because I hate going to church alone but that will change once our church goes back to two services in the fall. Anyways, I digress......

Yes, our lives are busy but in part, that is because we LOVE life. We aren't major homebodies on our days off; we love to go to the park, on bike rides, shopping, etc. I'm sure it makes us appear as always doing something but that's just how Brett and I are and it makes us happy for the most part. Sometimes we end up with a day off where we do nothing and those are relaxing too.

This morning I skipped my Tuesday morning playgroup at church. I needed a morning "off". It was glorious. Emersyn and I played. We colored. We laughed. I went into my kitchen and saw that the dishwasher needs to be emptied and some dishes done. But then I realized, I am going to spend 30 minutes cleaning this kitchen only to come home and mess it up again making dinner. No thank you. Instead I danced with my baby.

I also did something I didn't think was possible before. I did my devotions while Emersyn was up and playing. I used to think that my quiet time needed to be done in the early morning, long before anyone was awake in my home. But that didn't happen this morning and I just said, I'm going to do it anyways! And it was awesome. I would read a page or two, write in my prayer journal, then pause to color with Emersyn. I told Emersyn, "mommy is going to have some quiet time, would you like to read or color with me?" and she loved it. I love the idea of her growing up, knowing that her mama values her time with the Lord and that she seeks to better herself as a person. Emersyn happily colored beside me for approximately two minutes and it was great. :)

I am finding a lot of freedom in life by letting things go. I have a whole post on marriage brewing in my head on that topic even. :) I've realized that in order to acheive the balance that I aspire to in life, that means that my kitchen isn't always going to be clean, the laundry hamper might never be empty, and there may be an ever growing stack of un-read magazines in the basket next to the chair in my living room. But my daughter will be happy and feel loved, my husband will feel like his home is one of warmth and affection versus a crazy woman always complaining about things not being perfect enough, and I will feel like I AM adequate through the guidance of the Lord.

I was asked recently to get on board with the women's ministry team at my church and of course, my initial thought is "I don't have any time!!!". But this is something I want to make time for. Investing in other women, being an example for my daughter. One time Brett told me that I needed to not stress about being involved in ministry at the sacrifice of occasional time with Emersyn. He told me that Emersyn will never remember occasional evenings away from mama but she will appreciate the kind of person I am as she grows older. That thought really stuck with me.

I think it's so important in life that we don't get caught up in the mirage that we think life *should* be at the cost of not enjoying how life truly *is*. I will not be hostage to the way of thinking that says, "someday when you lose the weight, someday when you don't work, someday when you have a bigger house, someday someday someday". Instead I will appreciate TODAY and make it the best one possible. (I'm pretty sure I've written this 1000 times before)

I hope these jumbled thoughts make sense and by NO means am I trying to convince you all that I've got life figured out. If anyone out there DOES figure life out, will you let me know?? :) It's therapeutic for me to blog out my thoughts, anyone else feel that way too? :)

Angie Smith wrote a great post today that really got me thinking too and actually had a lot of similarities with some of my overall thoughts today. Click here to go to her blog.

Happy Tuesday!

The Heart

{Seaside, OR} June 2010

I am really really enjoying my book club read, "Strong Women, Soft Hearts" by Paula Rinehart. Last night I got together with three other gals (the rest of our group was busy or couldn't come) and we shared some really great thoughts amidst coffee. I wanted to share some of my thoughts will you all so grab a cup of coffee and let's chat! :)

This book is offering a whole new perspective on my "heart". I have believed for a LONG time that you shouldn't really "follow your heart" in many senses. Your heart is very full of emotions and emotions are fleeting, temporary things, often based not on logic but on what feels good or sounds good or worse, hormonal. ( I am pretty sure that sentence is not puncutated properly, commas and semi-colons and their placement confuse me. Anyways, I digress)

This book is all about following your heart and so I am having to re-shape my opinion on this issue. And I love what that is doing to my head, my thoughts and of course, my heart. :)

The first chapter is called "Awakening: God Calls Our Hearts". Paula starts the book with a quote from Lee Smith. Here is an excerpt "Your life is nog going to start later. This is it, it is now. It's funny how a person can be so busy that they forget this is it. This is my life". So true are these words and this is actually a concept that I don't struggle with. Because I am not in what I would label my *ideal* situation, I have to make the most of every moment with my daughter and not wait to enjoy life until things become more *ideal*. That would be such a waste. I have lived much of my life like that already and it is unfortunate.


Rinehart goes on to say that "the underlying premise of this book is that we must have our hearts intact in order to make the journey of life well. We must have access to the inside stuff- the longing and desires and dreams and vulnerabilities that make us who we are. God placed those in us. He means for us to live from the heart. It's the palce where we first hear His voice and respond". (I seriously could write out this entire chapter, it was so so good. I am pretty sure that is against copy right laws though, hee hee).

We must have our hearts intact....something to ponder. What does that look like? How do I align my heart? I have gotten up with Brett for the last two mornings and written in my prayer journal. I am aligning my heart with His and choosing to start my day intentionally. I need to fill my heart with good things in order for it to be intact and protect the images and content that it comes into contact with. This challenges me.

Rinehart writes, "How we slowly drift from the domain of the heart to a focus on efficiency and performance- as though this whole thing was mostly about doing and duty". So so so true. Efficiency is something I strive for constantly. I don't want my life to be described as efficient though...I mean, that is a nice word and complimentary in a sense but I don't want it to define me. I don't want to only call my mom on my way home because I need to kill time anyways. I want to be intentional and make her special. I don't want to only have meaningful conversations with my husband while I am folding laundry or doing the dishes in an effort to multi-task. I want to sit down, hold his hand and look him in the eye when we talk. Efficiency and multi-tasking are something I pride myself in greatly, mainly because of the place of life I am in. And that is okay sometimes. It's great to empty the dishwasher during the 8 minutes it takes to boil Emersyn's mac and cheese. But I don't want to strive for efficiency in my relationships or the matters of my heart. I feel guilty of doing that too often with friends and that isn't fair, nor who I want to be.

The rest of the chapter goes on to talk about the importance of being in tune with our hearts and following it, even though that may pose some risks. Following your heart can lead to heartache in the event that things don't work out. However, "trust is our gift back to God" (quote by Phillip Yancey)

The next chapter is called "Desire: The Language of the Heart". This was the chapter we discussed last night. Instead of quoting a lot of the book, I will share what I came away with.

Desire is an interesting thing. Rinehart states that "the heart is actually a bundle of longings and desire". Desires can lead to feelings of being incomplete and misplaced passions.

Right now when I ask myself, "what do I desire for my life" my answer consists of mostly events and milestones that can be put into a box and labeled easily. I desired to get married. Check. I desired to have a child. Check. I desire to stay home with her full time. This box is blank. I desire to have a one level home someday with a large yard. Another blank box. I desire to get a small dog for our family to enjoy. Again, blank.

Upon reviewing my list, I am troubled because nothing I desire matters in a way. It's all fluff. Of course, I desire to do much more in life then what I listed, like raise a happy, healthy daughter, etc. But initially when I think of desire, it's about stuff or even social status. (Becoming a wife, mom, SAHM, etc.) What about my desires says, "Lord, use me". Nothing.

I am challenged to strip away my titles and find out who what I am working towards as a woman, as Patti. Not as Brett's wife or Emersyn's mother.

Last night we discussed misplaced passions, a way that we deal with desire. Desires can fuel addictions and voids are meant to be filled. Some of us struggled with watching too much TV. Some of us struggled with dwelling on past relationships. Some of us, myself included, struggled with being online too much. I have a desire in my heart to connect with people. I can misplace that and only maintain relationships via Facebook, blogging, etc. Instead, I need to take that desire and figure out a way that the Lord intends me to use that for Him, not for myself. Sending someone a quick Facebook message isn't nearly as meaningful as handwriting a note. This reflection isn't intended to make me feel bad about myself, just to be in tune with my heart and be wise with how I spend my time. Rinehart says that "psychologically, addiction uses up desire" and that is why we numb ourselves with addictions be it TV, substances, or even something like shopping!! God has put desires in our hearts, what are we going to do with that?

The challenge that we walked away with last night was to form a recovery plan from any of our misplaced passions and tune into the desires of my heart. I want to have goals that I working towards that don't have anything to do with being a wife or mom. I want to have a heart that longs to be used by God and bring Him glory through my life. Someday when I am able to stay home with Ems, is that all I will have worked for? Will I somehow *arrive* at that point? Certainly not. My life has to have more meaning then that and those are the kinds of thoughts and goals that I am wanting to tune into. It's an interesting place to be in and I am looking forward to diving more into it!

The blessing of Obedience

Our home.

**Warning: this is a long one. :) This post deals with kind of a personal issue (finances) but I believe in sharing with each other for the purpose of encouragement and learning, even if that means admitting to failures or foolishness at times. :) **

Brett and I have dreamed of owning our own home long before we even started dating. We would drive for HOURS as friends, looking at homes in various neighborhoods throughout Portland and dreaming of our futures. We had very similar tastes and I remember now some silly conversations that Brett and I would have about loving a particular neighborhood and thinking, maybe someday we'll be neighbors. (Even though I know that secretly we both wanted to occupy the same home someday...) It brings a smile to my face to think of how innocent and unaware we were of our future together. God is so good. So so good.

I got my real estate license when I was 23, a relatively young age to start a profession that relies so heavily on referrals and a sphere of influence. I certainly wasn't going to find any clients in my friends for awhile; most of them were still in college or trying to get established in a career. Despite that, I had a very successful start and found myself making a good income with the Lord's assistance. I have some miraculous stories of deals I have done. I have sold homes to people that I met at open houses just by luck. I have sold a house to a client that I found in CA who purchased her home sight unseen. A lot of hard work and long hours has gone into my career but it can be a blessing financially, that is for sure. Brett and I decided during the real estate boom of 2005 that it was time for us to purchase a home, at the height of the boom really. Prices were just going up and up and we thought that if we didn't buy now, we may not be able to afford a home for a really really long time. A lot of it was motivated out of pride to be honest; I felt silly as a Realtor not owning my own home. Plus, it was such a great investment....home prices were going up monthly and from the time we started the building process (July 2005) to the time it was complete and we moved in (January 2006), the home had gone up in value by thousands of dollars.

Qualifying for our home was not easy. I made more money then Brett but had bad credit. My income didn't "count" because I hadn't been self employed yet for two years yet. Brett had okay credit but technically not enough income. So we did a stated income loan and paid for it, 6.5% on our first and 10.5% on the second, ouch. Brett's credit needed some help before we could qualify for the home though. When we first applied for our loan it became clear that his score was going to need to go up before we could close on the loan in June. We disputed things, wrote letters, etc. We were able to get Brett's score up by nearly 100 points. There were still some challenges with qualifying along the way though, and I became kind of desperate. I begged and pleaded with the Lord to help us get into this house. Not because we needed to move, not because of anything vital, but simply because my pride didn't want to have to tell our friends and family that we weren't able to close on our house. It was 100% pride. I remember listening to worship music and almost hearing the Lord say, "Are you SURE you want this house? If you want it, I'll give it to you but are you SURE?" and of course, I said yes yes yes!!! I didn't really stop to think that maybe the Lord intended for us to make a better choice in the future; for me it was all about the now. I didn't ask the Lord to guide and direct us; it was more like me telling the Lord what the best option for me was going to be.

On January 10th, 2006 Brett and I became homeowners. We had built our home and selected all the upgrades that we thought would make for a beautiful home and it turned out just lovely. We were very naive with our first home purchase and as many older people can relate, sometimes you don't know exactly what you want until you have a lived a little longer. I didn't' realize how important a yard would be once we had a family so our backyard is TINY and unfortunately not very private. But it's something and for that, I am grateful.

Okay, fast forward a couple of years. The real estate market plummets, along with a large portion of my income. Buyers are having trouble qualifying for a home, sellers are having trouble selling their homes and I take a pregnancy test that turns positive. All of these are factors for financial trouble. :) Brett and I got behind on our property taxes because we had elected to pay them all in one big lump sum once a year, an option that no longer exists probably because of people like us. Come November for two years, we simply did not have the money to pay our property taxes. Obviously our mortgage company started to get cranky when THEY had to pay our taxes and they decided that we either were going to have to come up with a large sum of money to pay them back or they were going to take our house. I panicked. We had just had Emersyn when all this started happening. Because of the delinquent property taxes, they had jacked our payment up beyond our means to pay and we were growing more and more behind. We spoke with the mortgage company and explained our situation. They offered to help roll the taxes into our payment as a way to get caught up. Their solution was to increase our mortgage payment by over $500/month for quite awhile. Having just had a baby, there was no way this was feasible.

I remember going into Emersyn's nursery and just crying at the thought of having to leave our home. I panicked when I thought of how our friends and family would judge us. Yes, we had made some really poor choices financially and the Lord showed us incredible lessons, some that I will share at another time. I wouldn't go back and change a thing about the times that could be considered *wasted*. I am a better person for all we have been through and I think that if we skipped all the ugly things in our lives, we would miss out on becoming who God intends us to be. I felt the Lord telling me that I needed to trust Him with our home and hold loosely to it. If it was something that we needed to be released from, I needed to trust Him and not let my pride get in the way AGAIN.

For the last 20 months we have worked with our mortgage company on a loan modification. Thanks to Obama (never thought I would say that), mortgage companies are able to modify existing loans to work with homeowners. With all the homes that are in foreclosure and being short saled, I was discouraged if this was EVER going to work out. There were SO many times that we thought about just walking away from the house. We could find a rental home in a WAY cooler area and even a cooler house. I dream of living in a single level someday. :) But I felt morally obligated to stick with our house. We had signed a contract to purchase it and I felt like the Lord was providing a way for us with the mod potential.

Last week we got the final paperwork for the loan modification and it is better then I would have ever imagined. We were able to get our rate negotiated down and without going into too many details, we are now in a better position then if we were going to rent. I feel so blessed and I 100% know it is because we were obedient, have been tithing consistently, and have been trusting the Lord in the area of our finances. **Side note: we have had many friends that have been unable to get loan mods because not every mortgage company is the same. We each have our own story and I believe there are blessings in every situation if we look hard enough. I consider this to be a miracle for our family and even if we had have to move, that would have been a different post but the same blessing of provision, just in a different way. :) My husband was hesitant for me to share our situation in fear that it might seem like *bragging* but I believe in bragging about the Lord's blessings in our lives for the purpose of giving Him the glory. If anyone reading this has been unable to get a loan mod, I don't believe that is the Lord NOT blessing you, maybe He's just blessing you in a different way that will make more sense someday. Okay, that was a long side note..... :)

The Lord truly longs to be gracious to us and I am so grateful for His mercy. He had every right to take away our house from us; we haven't been the best stewards with it or with our finances over the years. But God is so much like a parent; He just wants us to learn but not always have to punish us. This has been a stressful time, full of a lot of uncertainty and I have yet another testimony to add to dozens others about the Lord's faithfulness.

I decided to write this out for Emersyn to read someday and also for any of my blogger friends that might relate or need encouragement in the area of finances or provision.

We are so excited to know that we are staying in our home. We have big plans of going through the entire house and re-organizing, de-cluttering and perhaps even some redecorating. I would like to paint; actually I would love to hire painters but that isn't going to happen so instead, we will paint. We are going to really clean out our guest room and get it organized. We have a lot of storage spaces that aren't well utilized and that is totally up Brett's ally. He can reorganize like nobody's business. It is exciting times for us. :)

Thanks for letting me share.

Deferred Dreams

I had some thoughts swirling around in my head and sometimes blogging them out is the best thing to do with those kinds of thoughts. :)

As most of you know, I work away from my home part time. This is something I struggle with at times but most of the time I am fine with it. I am good at telling myself, "for such a time is this" and having a good attitude. Emersyn is a very well rounded child for the most part and I know that when I am at work, she is in very capable hands, whether with her Nana or at a playdate. On Thursdays she gets to have special afternoons with her Daddy and that makes me happy too. I don't have to work until 1pm so our mornings are very fun and often full of activities, playdates, or just some special Mommy/Emersyn time. I don't work so that we can afford a lavish lifestyle. I work so that I can help pay our bills and have affordable health insurance. People have said, "you really should look at your budget and see if you could stay home". It's not as simple as cutting out cable or not eating out as much. My husband is an amazing provider and an extremely hard worker for our family. I feel that he is undercompensated right now but his future is bright with the company he has been with for over two years now. God has really opened the right doors for him at his job and we know with all our hearts that God will bless Brett in his career.

But.

Every once in awhile I get impatient. And a little whiny. And I start feeling sorry for myself. I'm sure that never happens to any of you, right? :)

In my dreams, I never envisioned working while being a mom. Sometimes I express these concerns to the Lord, as if to show Him where He deviated from MY plans and offer Him the opportunity to fix it!

But then I read a story of a family that lost their child to cancer. I hear the Lord whisper to me, "Do you think their dreams included losing their child??".

I see my friends struggle with being single. "Do you think they dreamed of being single at this time in their lives??", He whispers.

I see different friends struggle with infertility. Again, probably not in their dreams either.

All the sudden, my deferred dreams don't seem so tragic or life alterring. (As I re-read this, I don't mean to imply that being single is tragic at ALL, I just know that many of my single friends long to find their husbands and that is a similar dream to mine, a family related dream).

I really should re-read "Anonymous", the book I read last summer. It is all about the "hidden" times in our life, when we feel like the Lord doesn't see or acknowledge how WE would do things differently.

Life is SO much bigger then what we make it sometimes and I believe that God has a purpose in everything. What if I am at my job right now JUST so that I can cultivate a friendship with someone that needs HIM in their lives? What if I am at this job just so that God can have an opportunity to prove His faithfulness and provision in my life, to use as a testimony later to bless someone else? What if, what if? He is the only one that can see ahead into our futures and knows the reason for every season in our lives. No season is more significant then another. I need to be better at trusting Him. I feel like I say that a lot. I need to put that into action though. What does trusting LOOK like for me? Something for me to ponder....

I never ached to be married with all my heart or waited a long time to have a child. Those dreams came true for me relatively easily. The dream of staying home with Emersyn and any future siblings is one that the Lord is requiring me to have some patience with. All I can do is be obedient, look at my husband and daughter and think to myself, "The Lord has been pretty stinkin' good to me so far......I think He has earned my trust".

What dreams are you waiting to see come true? What dreams have you had that you have HAD come true? I would love to hear some great testimony's ladies!!

Speaking of transparency.... :)

I consider myself to be a pretty positive person. I truly find joy in the little things in life and count myself as incredibly blessed.

However.

Today I am having a blah day.

Ever have those? I am not one to dwell on negative things, especially on my blog, but in the spirit of transparency I thought I might share what was on my heart.

Having a sick daughter has really been draining. Not to sound selfish but as a mother, it is so hard to hear your baby girl coughing through the monitor and realize that there isn't anything I can do to help her. She is definitely on the mend but because she has been sick, I have been homebound on my days off and missing my church family on Sundays and Tuesdays. Emersyn misses her friends too, I can tell. So anyways, that kind of put a damper to the start of my week. (Okay, after writing this whole post I re-read this I totally thought of mothers out there with terminally ill children and felt sick for being so selfish but again, trying to be transparent and this is/was how I am feeling. Thank you Lord that the extent of Emersyn's sickness is just a cold though.)

I got a call from my husband yesterday and to keep a loooong story short, it's not looking like he will be getting a promotion as soon as I thought he might. I had my hopes set really high that a promotion for him was right around the corner which would mean I could stay home with Emersyn, etc. That kind of bummed me out.

I had a conversation with someone close to me yesterday that resulted in me writing an email that I didn't want to write but felt I needed to in order to set some boundaries. (How's that for vague? Ha...that's all that needs to be said about that matter though.) That kind of bummed me out.

I was doing so good with working out and not letting the circumstances of life discourage me from putting my health first and I feel like I am just lacking energy and motivation. (I'm still eating good though).

Sometimes I feel like the Lord wants to remind me that His grace is sufficient for me. I think that I get caught up in my own little world and I think that often times my joy is contingent on things going my way. I have been hoping/expecting for Brett to get promoted any day due to a series of events that seemed to point in that direction. It could still happen at anytime but yesterday's call seemed like more of a step back then a step forward. My husband is a hard worker and sometimes I feel like hard workers get taken advantage of. *Side note: Brett is SO blessed to have a wonderful job and I truly truly am so grateful for it.

I often try to encourage my friends that are longing for husbands or babies in a wise manner that God's timing is truly the best. I am not so good at following my own advice sometimes. The Lord wants me to slow down sometimes and readjust my focus. I need to continually be going to Him as my first AND last resort. Sometimes I feel like when life is going great I will occasionally check in with the Lord, give Him a high five and say "thanks for all the blessings...I'll let you know when I need ya". I love the Lord with all my heart and I get choked up just beginning to think of all the blessings that I do have. But sometimes I need to be better at trusting.

My sweet little naughty toddler is a constant reminder of the Lord's love for me. We start out most of our mornings with oatmeal that I lovingly make from scratch microwave for 30 seconds. When we come downstairs I set Emersyn down and tell her that I am going to make her oatmeal. 99% of the time she starts to whine and claw at my legs. "Emersyn, I making your oatmeal as fast as I can" I tell her. Then comes the alligator tears. I pick her up, kiss her on the cheek and show her the oatmeal that is in the microwave cooking. "See honey, it's almost done....trust Mama". I set Emersyn down, take out the microwaved oatmeal and head towards the freezer for some frozen blueberries. Meanwhile, Emersyn starts panicking, reaching up to the counters for her boiling hot oatmeal that still needs a minute or two to cook. "Emersyn, it's not ready yet....almost though". Then I stir it up and again, Emersyn is going nuts, reaching for the oatmeal. "Emersyn, let Mama add some blueberries first.....it will make it taste yummier and then it won't burn your little mouth, just be patient....". This whole process literally takes like three minutes. It might even go quicker if not for the little monkey clawing at my legs.

Sometimes I feel like Emersyn and her oatmeal with the Lord. I so badly want things NOW. I often will show Emersyn the packet of raw oatmeal and ask if she wants to just eat it like it is. It is quicker and frankly, much less work for me! She probably would say yes because she doesn't know any better but that is why she has me. Because I know that oatmeal that is cooked and prepared is so much better then raw uncooked oatmeal and thus, worth the wait.

I bet our years seems like minutes to the Lord. He can see the future and He knows how good the "oatmeal" He is preparing for us is going to be. It's going to taste delicious and be satisfying. Just like Emersyn needs to trust me, I need to trust Him. And you know what? I SO should. Just like I have proven to Emersyn for the last 18 months that I indeed WILL feed her breakfast if she just gives me a chance, the Lord has proven to me over the last 29 years that He WILL provide for my needs beyond my wildest dreams or expectations if I will just let Him.

Lord, I'm sorry for whining and not letting you finish making my oatmeal sometimes. Help me be patient and trust you, no matter what the circumstances are or when things seemingly aren't going my way. I don't want raw uncoooked oatmeal in my life. I want it to be cooked to perfection. And I'm even willing to wait for you to add the blueberries too. :)

Thanks for letting me share friends. Do you ever get impatient for oatmeal? Ha ha, you know what I mean...... ;)

Reflecting on LOVE

I received this forward from a friend of mine today that NEVER forwards anything so I trusted that it must be good and sure enough, it was. I thought I would share it with all of you in hopes of blessing you this holiday season. My thoughts are written in red within the devotional......

A Gut Honest Look at Love

Lysa TerKeurst

"...if I have faith that can move mountains, but have not love, I am nothing."

1 Corinthians 13:2 (NIV)

As the holidays approach, I have to be careful about developing an overly ideal view of love. Sometimes I'm guilty of setting the expectations so high of what a 'love filled' Christmas should be that it dooms me to feeling disappointed and grumpy. Ever been there? (Oh my, feeling the conviction already and the urge to call my husband and apologize for my overly controlling and needy behavior as of late!) Well, this year I am feeling challenged to look at love a little differently. I don't want to repeat a habit that I've had from the past where I expect unrealistic things from those I love. I used to hold out the little cup of my heart to my husband, "Will you fill my empty spaces? Will you do that one really romantic thing that makes me feel like I'm the most terrific and special woman in the world?" (So making my husband play "The ABC's of affirmation" where he lists things that he loves about me in alphabetical order on a three hour drive isn't okay??!) Then I would hold it out to my children, "Will you fill up my empty spaces? Will you do something that makes me look really good as a mom so I'll feel a little more validated?" Then I would hold it out to my friends, "Will you fill up my empty spaces? Will you provide something today that makes me feel more included and significant?" Maybe Christmas is an odd time to consider such things. Or, maybe this season celebrating Jesus is the perfect time to hit the reset button on my sometimes frail heart. Love is a tricky thing. (As is marriage, ha!) Our hearts were created to crave it. But misplaced expectations from love can wreak havoc in a person's heart. (SO true whether you're single or married) God proclaims in 1 Corinthians 13:8 that love never fails. And in the quietness of my heart that verse makes me squirm a bit. I see love failing all the time. Or do I? If my only view of love is what it will give me, love from others will fail me every time. (Oh my, I need to hear this) It's not that love fails. It's that other people were never meant to be my God. Even a great husband, wonderful children and a thriving ministry can never truly fill me up, right all my wrongs, and soothe those deep insecurities. Not at Christmas. Not at any other time of the year. No, I can't read 1 Corinthians chapter 13 with eyes hungry to see what love should give me and then demand it from those around me. (Demand? Who, me?? Hee hee.) I should read those steadfast Scriptures with the realization that this is the kind of love God gives to me. And this is the kind of love I can choose to give to other people. I can choose that my love will be patient. My love will be kind. My love won't keep a record of wrongs. (Ouch - that's a hard one, right?)I can choose that my love will protect and persevere. And I can choose to lay the cup of my heart at Jesus' feet and stop twirling, twirling, twirling...hoping- demanding- that those around me do things for me they were never meant to do. (Like play the ABC's of affirmation against their will....rats.) Interestingly enough, when I read 1 Corinthians 13 again this morning I found an odd yet perfect verse toward the end of this chapter. "When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I put childish ways behind me" (verse 11). Yes indeed. How funny I never connected that verse about putting away childish things with 1 Corinthians 13 - known as the chapter of love. Oh how we have the propensity to grow in other areas while keeping such a childish, selfish view of love. Love isn't what I have the opportunity to get from this world. Love is what I have the opportunity to give. And I guess there's no more appropriate time to remember this than Christmas.

Dear Lord, thank You for the ability to see love in the proper way. Help me to know how to be filled with Your love so I don't try to get others to fill my empty spaces. Lord, give me wisdom with each of my relationships. Make me a woman that properly lives the principals in 1 Corinthians 13. In Jesus' Name, Amen.

More thoughts from "Anonymous"

Yesterday I had to miss my weekly Bible Study due to Brett being sick, poor guy! I decided to stay home and let him sleep in for the morning. After all, rest IS the best medicine. He rarely gets sick enough to call in to work so when he does, I know he truly isn't feeling well. I am so blessed to have a man with an excellent work ethic.

While I enjoyed a quiet morning with Emersyn, I did get to read a little more of my "Anonymous" book. And by "quiet" morning, I mean Emersyn was banging away on her baby piano, slamming cupboards shut, squealing at the kitty, etc. :)

I have explained before that this book is about Jesus' hidden years. Obviously once those years had passed, He was put in a tremendous spotlight, not one that I would ever want to encounter. I don't think of MY hidden years as a prelude to being in a spotlight at all, just as years where you kind of wonder if all you are doing is treading water in a sense. I believe that I have been blessed with good perspective. It isn't hard for me to find joy in little things and I am a fairly content person. (Funny, after writing this I received some disappointing news....ha ha, the Lord wants me to practice what I preach apparently and find joy in any situation!) This book is a great reminder to me too that God isn't done with me yet.

The author talks about how when Jesus was baptized by John, really the beginning of his "unhidden" years, the Bible says that when Jesus came out of the water, "A voice from heaven said 'This is my Son, whom I love; with him I am well pleased.'" (Matthew 3:17) Jesus hadn't even DONE anything at this point, yet the Lord acknowledged him as His son, said that He loved him, and that He was pleased with him. That challenges me so much as a parent. I need to not just wait until Emersyn has done good things or somehow earned my praises; I want to speak affirmations and love to her just because she is my daughter. This should encourage us as children of God too. God loves us and is pleased with us, even if we don't feel like we have done much in life that is significant yet.

I loved this excerpt from "Anonymous"......it especially touched my heart as a mother.

"What news! God is pleased with my hidden years. He does not view anonymous seasons as boring and unfortunate preludes to be rushed through quickly so I can move on to some other season that is more productive and exciting.

And though, like any parent, I am sure God finds joy in every season of our lives, it will not surprise me if in the end we learn that he enjoyed our hidden years the most. They seem less cluttered with the glittery stuff that distracts us from his face.

My children are in their hidden years. They are dancing blissfully in almost complete anonymity. With the exception of a few other privileged souls, my husband and I are their primary audience. How we treasure the show!

My husband and I treasure beyond words our private viewing of Jonathan and Keona's hidden years. Our front row seats in their lives are priceless. We are their greatest fans, and for the moment, they are not looking for any others. We are enough. How nice it is to be enough.

I wonder if, in my own life, God feels like I believe he is enough.

Soon we will have competition. Soon others will be inspired by Jonathan's genius and dazzled by Keona's inner and outer beauty. Soon my children will have to navigate through praise and applause, criticism and rejection. Soon the room will be filled with flattering admirers and unwelcome detractors.

But my hope is that our presence, and more importantly the presence of Jesus that we keep drawing their attention to, will steady them. We were there before the crowds came, and he will be there after my husband and I and the crowds have to leave.

In hidden years, God is our only consistent audience. Others come and go, but only He always sees. God alone recognizes our full potential and comprehends the longings in our souls. When no one else is interested in (let alone impressed by) our capabilities and dreams, God is still whole-heartedly with fatherly pride shouting his love over us.

Anonymous seasons afford us the opportunity to establish God as our souls' true point of reference IF we resist underestimating how he treasures our hiddenness and take the time to decide whose attention and acceptance really matters in our life. "

~Chapter 14 from "Anonymous" by Alicia Britt Chole

I thought this was such a precious description of her children's childhood. It really made me realize the importance of encouraging my children and preparing them for days ahead when I wont always be there to applaud them or protect them. I also am encouraged to think that this is how the Lord views our "hidden" years, the years we feel are insignificant. I would never describe Emersyn's baby or toddler years as insignificant, even though she isn't out in the world changing it. It's such a sweet and loving picture of the love our Heavenly Father has for us.

Well, those are my thoughts for the day. Since I didn't get to participate in Bible study yesterday, it was fun to discuss my thoughts with all of you! :)

Happy Thursday!

Reflections on "Anonymous"

My Tuesday morning Bible Study of Esther has ended. In many ways I am bummed because it was such an AMAZING learning experience but in some I am relieved. There was a LOT of homework that went along with the study, homework that started to overwhelm me a bit and I wasn't always able to finish which drives me crazy. I hope to have the opportunity to do the study again. I am sure I was only able to glean a small fraction of all that can be learned from such an amazing story.

Our church goes on a hiatus during the holidays in regards to Bible Study but one of my sweet friends Sheri offered to do a study at her house in the meantime. At first I hesitated because of how busy life is. But I always think back to that pie chart of my time. The biggest pieces in that chart NEED to be my family. What accounts for the rest of the chart though? Facebook? Blogging? Watching TV? I think that diving into God's word and becoming a better woman needs to have a slice of that pie. Emersyn takes a morning nap so while she is at her Nana's on Tuesday, her mama's gonna be enjoying the fellowship of some quality ladies and diving into a good book!

We are reading "Anonymous" by Alicia Britt Chloe. The tag line is "Jesus' hidden years...and yours". The book is broken up into small chapters; you could almost read it as a devotional. Some of the thoughts really stuck with me and I thought they might be an encouragment to some of the ladies that I know who read my blog, lurkers you know who you are...I don't want to mention any names (Vanessa). Ha!

She begins the book talking about trees. She talks about how lush and beautiful they are in the spring and summer and how the fall and winter comes and strips away the leaves. She says, "Though my skin prefers their role in summer, somehow my soul prefers their lessons in winter. Then, when growth pauses, the trees have often become my teachers. What the plenty of summer hides, the nakedness of winter reveals: infrastructure. Fullness often distracts from foundations. But in the stillness of the winter, the tree's true strength is unveiled......And so it is with us. Seasonally, we too are stripped of visible fruit. Our giftings are hidden: our abilities are underestimated....Abundance may make us feel more productive, but perhaps emtiness has greater power to strengthen our souls".

She has such an artistic way with words. What a blessing to able to view a time in your life that is as cold and stark as winter as a time for the Lord to strengthen our infrastructure. I long to be that sort of woman.

The book is entitled "Anonymous" because that is how we can feel sometimes. She talks about how the first 30 years of Jesus's life were insignificant by our standards but really, God was at work the entire time. So many times in our life, we feel that we are treading water...not really making a difference...not seeing the fruits of our labor, our ministry, our time. It can be frustrating in a society that encourages instant gratification.

Alicia often talks about God wasting no ones time. She says that times that are unseen aren't unimportant by any means. She spoke of traveling to China and participating in a feast. She said that they served many courses and each one was significant; there weren't any "filler" entrees. She said that she would often reminisce about a past course or anticipate what was coming next; and in the meantime the course that lay on the plate in front of her grew cold and didn't taste as good as it might have had she just enjoyed it.

Friends, I am so guilty of not enjoying the now at times. I really feel like I went through a season of hiding because of insecurities and fears, even in the last few years. But certain events that occurred this summer really pushed me into the arms of my Savior and made me abandon many of those fears and surrender my insecurities. It a daily surrender mind you, and one that doesn't always happen or come easily. But still, I think I got caught up in the lie that if I looked better, THEN I would be in a position to minister and encourage others. Or if I didn't have to work; then I could REALLY be more effective for Christ. But winter came over the summer (ha!) and revealed my infrastructure....and I didn't like what I saw so I changed it!

Ever since having Emersyn, I am so challenged to just take things one day at a time. The enemy knows how to bother perfectionists....just make us mess up once and then the whole day is just ruined, a waste. Since becoming a mother I have had to realize, I may not have time to do ALL the laundry. But one load WILL help and does make a difference. This theory runs true in so many areas for me.

I love how Alicia ends the chapter and I will leave you with these thoughts....

"Throughout Jesus' hidden years, he demonstrated one of the great forgotten virtues of our time: patience. But how can we practically follow Jesus' exampe and be patient when God-sized dreams pound in our souls? Seasonally this struggle has been agonizing...But there is quite a bit of room between self promotion and uppter passivity in our stewardship of God-size dreams. At present, I am attempting to rest in alert availability. "Alert" because I am not living in denial of the dreams in my heart. "Available" because God is a gentleman and I am quite comfortable waiting for Him to open doors. Truth is, I do not have enough character to walk through doors I open for myself.

I liken God's purpose to a pure but unpredictable river. Impatient self promotion actively seeks out a speedboat to outrun the current and rush towards the future. Fear of failure stands on the banks cautiosly to observe before getting her feet wet. But perhaps obedience simply wades into the center and lets the current of God's presence set the pace, be it swift or still.

Because after all, is not our true aim and aspiration just to be near God? Jesus seems to exemplify this perspective. Whether "Not yet, my Son" tucked him away in obscurity or "Now is the time" made him the news, Jesus appears to have walked unstressed and unhurried. His peaceful pace seems to imply that he measured himself not by where he was going and how fast he could get there but by whom he was following and how closely they walked together.

Patience grows well in such soil. She is the ally of a sould that makes God is't primary pursuit, because in this journey called life, regardless of the scenery, such a sould is deeply contented in the Company. "

Beautiful thoughts. I could have written this entire book out.......

Blessings to all my blog friends!

A Dream Come True

A couple months ago in our church's bulletin, I saw a note saying that a new pictorial was going to come out. Defnition of pictorial: a directory with pictures. :) The last time our church had a pictorial done was when I was about 14, so about 14 years ago. I wish I had a copy of the picture to show you but I don't. That is probably okay though...it's not pretty, ha!

As cheesy as this is, I got REALLY excited about having our picture taken for the pictorial. Olan Mills does them and by participating, you get a free 8x10. It wasn't the free picture that excited me though, it was the prospect of having photographic evidence of God's blessings in my life.

If you have read this blog EVER, you know that it is never lacking in pictures. But this is different. Driving up to our church to have this picture taken with my husband driving and baby girl was a dream come true.

The girl that was pictured in the pictorial under my name 14 years ago had no idea what she was in for. She worried and agonized over the plans that God had for her, not trusting entirely and often thinking that she could do things better. Instead of taking the Lords hand, she decided that she could do it on her own for awhile. She made choices based on selfishness and instant gratification. She was insecure and sought approval from man, not the Lord. Little did she know that only two pages away in that same pictorial, under the "J" section, her future husband was pictured with his family. If only she could of heard the Lord whispering to her with giddy excitement "just you wait until the next time your church does a pictorial....you'll never believe what that picture will look like!!!".

Fast forward 14 years. The girl that is pictured THIS TIME has a different last name and has lost the giant glasses (praise the Lord). :) She has learned that all that agonizing and worrying that she did for all those years was silly and pointless. She is able to walk in confidence not because of WHO she is, but because of WHOSE she is. She was able to surrender her plans and be content in the Lord and reap the blessings of this contentment. She can hardly listen to worship music without bawling in gratitude to the Lord for saving her from herself. Her life isn't perfect by any means and her list is long of goals and desired habits to be acheived. But she is happy and the joy of the Lord is her strength. Her husband and baby are the most incredible blessings that she could have ever imagined, but they don't complete her. Her identity is found in the Lord, not in being Brett's wife or Emersyn's mom. God's grace looks different for everyone. Sometimes I feel guilty because I am so blessed to be married and so many of my friends are still waiting for Godly husbands. However, I truly believe that everyone can be JUST as happy as I am, just in different ways. God longs to be gracious to us ALL, and each of our stories are handwritten by an incredible Author.

So, I present to you our first "official" family photo. It's awkward. The blue background is hideous. My neck is no where to be found because of the way the photographer kept telling me to turn my head. My daughter's hand is odd looking because I had just grabbed it from out of her mouth and then we snapped the picture.

I.Love.It.

Don't assume you are good soil.....

It is a blustery fall afternoon and I am so happy to be sitting by the fire, enjoying my "Crazy Love" book and spending time with the Lord. The house may not be perfectly clean and there is surely laundry to be folded upstairs, but this is what is important right now. Emersyn is sleeping (finally, thank you Jesus) and I hope she is well rested for Bingo tonight at Uncle's college. :)

We are reading "Crazy Love" by Frances Chan. If you are looking for a new way of looking at your faith or looking to be challenged to think outside the box, read it read it!!

A thought that I read in the book that has really resonated with me is this....don't assume you are good soil. What does this mean, you ask? :)

"In the parable of the sower, Jesus explained that the seed is the truth (the Word of God). When the seed is flung onto the path, it is heard but quickly stolen away. When the seed is tossed onto the rocks, no roots take hold; there is an appearance of depth and growth because of the good soil, but it is only surface level. When the seed is spread among the thorns, it is received but soon suffocated by life's worries, riches, and pleasures. But when seed is sown in good soil, it grows, takes roots and produces fruit.

My caution to you is this: Do not assume you are good soil."

The first time I read this chapter, I was cleaning the kitchen and Brett was reading it out loud to me. Hard core multi tasking at it's finest. When we came to this part, I stopped and asked him to read it again. Do not assume I am good soil?!?! Well, why not??? I am a pretty good person, certainly not a BAD person.

Soil is such an interesting analogy. The Lord really knew what He was doing, talking in parables. :) I am intimidated by soil. I know that you can't just go out in your yard, dig up some dirt, put the dirt into a pot, plant whatever, and then expect to yield results. Is the soil in my backyard BAD? No....but by being not bad doesn't qualify it as good.

Soil, from what I understand, needs to be enriched in order to be considered good.

I googled "How to make good soil" and found that you need to add "soil amendments". A soil amendment is any material added to a soil to improve its physical properties, such as water retention, permeability, water infiltration, drainage, aeration and structure. One or more of these would be added to the various soil types above to improve the overall quality of the soil.

Hmm....so my soil needs to be amended in order to be made good, or suitable for growing things and thus, bearing fruit. Interesting.

Possible "soil" amendments for me? Enriching myself by participating in bible studies with other Godly women, for example. Reading God's word. Praying. This list needs to grow!!

Holy metaphor batman, check out the next part of the soil article that I was reading.....

An amendment must be thoroughly mixed into the soil. If it is merely buried, its effectiveness is reduced, and it will interfere with water and air movement and root growth.

If it is merely buried, it's effectiveness is reduced....so if I simply read the Word of God and not do what it says and live it out in my life, it will interfere with water and air movement and root growth. Soil amendments must be thoroughly mixed. Not only will it not be as effective if not mixed, it will interfere with whatever is growing in the soil.

I was sitting here, thinking of more "soil amendments" and I realized that all the things that I was thinking of didn't involve me becoming enriched, they involved me enriching others. For example, I love writing cards, thank you cards, congrats, whatever. I think they are a blessing to others and I love it. But how is that amending my soil? It isn't corrupting my soil, that is for sure. But it isn't enriching it. The more enriched MY soil is, the more equipped I will be to enrich others.

I am currently mentoring a younger gal, per her request. I was so flattered when she asked me because despite my best efforts to appear somewhat put together, I am still trying to figure out what the heck I am doing in life. :) But in her asking ME to mentor HER, I realized that I need to have something pouring into me. I am at a point in my faith where I don't need a watered down devotional or sugar coated feel good paragraph from a daily website, I need the real deal. I need Jesus Himself, through His word, His presence, and His Holy Spirit.

I am challenged.

One time, a long time ago, a girl in our youth group got up to share something she learned while on a missions trip. I was not a huge fan of this girl, as my friend Brett (now my husband) was interested in her and therefore that placed her in the "dislike" category for me. Since then, I have become a MUCH more mature person, I can assure you of that:) However, she had a great word for our group. I had always thought of the Fruit of the Spirits as something that I needed to accomplish, like in a list format. Seriously, I even wrote them out one day and was like, okay I need to work on patience, kindness, etc. But she said that something she has learned was that the Fruits of the Spirit are just that, fruit. By having good soil, I am in a position to grow something that will bear good fruit. I don't even need to worry about the fruit, the Lord already says what that fruit will be..Love, Joy, Peace, Patience, Kindness, Goodness, Faithfulness, Gentleness and Self Control (hallelujah). :)

I want to bear Good Fruit. I want to enrich my soil and never make the silly mistake of thinking my soil is good just because it isn't bad.

Blessings to all my blog friends out there! Happy Sunday!

Just like her mama.

She goes into the kitchen cupboard, gets out my travel coffee cup, and walks around the house, so pleased with herself for *drinking* coffee....just like her mama.

She finds a gift bag and goes *shopping* throughout the house, putting various items in her bag. I asked her what she was shopping for and she brought me her bag. In it was a toothbrush, a plastic cow that I have literally never seen before, and one of my socks. She loves *shopping*...just like her mama.

Today in the car I cranked up some upbeat worship music and some movement catches my eye in the rearview mirror. I see my adorable daughter bobbing her head to the music and clapping her little heart out......just like her mama.

I give her a wooden spoon and a bowl and ask her if she will *cook* me something and she gets a silly grin and starts stirring her imaginary food in the bowl....wanting to cook just like her mama.

Whether I realize it or not, Emersyn is watching me and learning. She may be little but I am so challenged to live my life better, make it one that is worthy of mimicking. Being a parent is such a big responsibility. And it is a responsibility that I am SO grateful for. I am not striving for perfection, I know that isn't attainable. Just striving to be MY best.....

Hurry Hurry!

Great article, written by a lady that I admire very much. I am going to print this out and re-read when neccessary. :)

Hurry

by Angie Smith

Book Club!

Last night was our first meeting for the Young Adult's Ladies Book Club at my church! I actually was inspired to start a book club last spring, thinking that we would all benefit from having some accoutability for reading and enjoy the feedback that we get from each other. I procrastinated, however, and didn't get around to starting it until last month. I read on Angie Smith's blog that she was going to be doing a "virtual book club" (http://www.thebloombookclub.blogspot.com/) and I was excited to be a part of it. Then I thought, hey, why don't I do a satelite group myself using the same book! Whoo hoo!



We are reading "Crazy Love" by Frances Chan. It is truly a great book and offers a very fresh, very convicting perspective!



Some of the key things that I took away from our evening:



*First of all, I was so blessed to hear that other girls had really been looking for an opportunity to connect and were excited to get the invite for this club. It really confirmed in my heart that this was something that the Lord wanted and something that He is going to bless!



*I was reminded that I need to "intentionally and consistently remind myself of the Lord". In watching one of the videos on the Bloom website, I got the idea of doing a clipboard next to the kitchen sink or bathroom sink that would have prayer requests on it, a good reminder. Also, our church is doing a project that also encourages this mentality of placing the Lord strategically in your life so that we don't forget. (http://pcctoday.com/6060) I am challenged to do this myself, and also to hold each other accountable to finding something tangible to remind ourselves of our need for the Lord in our life.



*Convicted by this statement: "Colossians 1:16 tells us that everything was created for God.... Don't we live instead as though God is created for us, to to our bidding, to bless us, and to take care of our loved ones?" So true. Sometimes I feel like my relationship with the Lord is on a need basis. Lord, I will let you know when I need you...in the meantime, I can handle things. Not a good mentality!



*Another good quote: "When I am consumed by my problems- stressed out about MY life, MY family, MY job- I actually convey the belief that I think that the circumstances are more important then God's command to always rejoice. " "Rejoice in the Lord always, and again I say REJOICE!" Phil. 4:4. God doesn't tell us to rejoice when life is going our way, He says to rejoice always! That is so good to remember.

*Another good quote: "Worry implies that we don't quite trust that God is big enough, powerful enough, or loving enough to take care of what's happening in our lives." This I can grasp, I have always known that worry is a slap in the face to God. I am not saying that I am not guilty of worrying at times, but I do know better. THIS quote though was a little painful to read: "Stress says that the things we are involved in are important enough to merit our impatience, our lack of grace towards other, or our tight grip of control. Basically, these two behaviors communicate that it's okay to sin and not trust God because the stuff in my life is somehow exceptional. Both worry and stress reek of arrogance. They declare our tendency to forget that we've been forgiven, that our lives here are brief, that we are headed to a place where we won't be lonely, afraid, or hurt ever again, and that in the context of God's strength, our problems are small indeed."

I could go on and on but I would rather encourage you to read the book yourself and if you are local, come to our discussion! We are meeting on Tuesday, October 27th at 7pm at Rachelle Polits' house.

Hope everyone is having a great Wednesday!!

Thoughts on Esther: Week Three

I finished up my week three of Bible Study tonight. I can't even tell you how good that feels! I feel like I am always cramming the night before and hardly absorbing anything but this week, I took my time and actually finished day 5 on day 5 right when I was supposed to. Brett and I went over to some friend's house tonight and I left early to get Emersyn to bed since we have an early morning and then finished up my study in the quiet of my cozy living room.

I read a couple good thoughts tonight that I wanted to share. I love Beth Moore. I think she has a great way with words and has a gift of bringing the bible to life in a storytelling fashion.

Here is a paragraph that really resonated with me.....

"We've each been hurt by someone, but no one on earth has hurt us more than those who seem callous to it. We're acquainted with trying to deal with the wrong doing of others while they go on with life, oblivious to our pain. We fight an urge to corner them in a public place and scream, "Don't you get it?" If they won't judge themselves, the fleshly part of us would gladly enlist a group to help us judge them.

The situation becomes even more complicated when you sense that the very person who helped your life to fall apart wonders why you can't get it together. There's nothing quite like someone who hurt you judging you for being hurt."

I can't really expand on why this resonates so much with me but it encouraged me to know that I am not alone in my feelings and that other women have felt the same way too. :)

Another great thought....

"Sometimes God uses the winds of a new threat to blow the dust off a past miracle that has moved from our active file into the archives. Remember, beloved! Remember what God has done for you! Rehearse the story again! Find someone to retell it to!"

I definitely found that to be true in the last couple months. I was able to apply the same principles that the Lord had taught me in the past but just to a different circumstance.

Okay, enough late ramblings. Time for bed! Tomorrow I am going to bible study and then Emersyn is spending the day at her Nana's. I hope she is in good spirits, she has been a little under the weather still and clingy. Praying that she does well and has a good day. I wish I could be with her all day but a mama's got to do what a mama's got to do. :)

Good night!

Sunday Morning Thoughts

The message at church this morning was amazing. Our Pastor's wife spoke and it was so enjoyable and refreshing. I love leaving church feeling that way, don't you? It is such a great way to start your week.

It is has been a little bit of a rough summer for me, I have to be honest. I have felt drained, both physically and emotionally. The car accident has taken a toll on me with daily chiropractor appointments to juggle and trying to rest enough to let my body heal from the trauma of the impact.

There has also been an emotionally draining situation that I want to talk about but in the most vague sense possible. I would love it if you, blog readers, would let me be vulnerable and share the thoughts in my heart that were prompted by this morning's message. Just take them for what they are and don't try to think too much of what this situation could be or who it might be with. :)

Friends, my husband and I have been accused of something. (Nothing criminal or anything serious, just a dramatic over reaction!) It is related to a conflict that has been going on over the last couple years. It is a conflict between us and someone else, and yet there is now a mutiny against us that is led by people who have nothing to do with our conflict. I mean like NOTHING to do with it, except that they know about it. And guess what? In a sense, the accusation is true. Yes, we have decided to set a boundary and vowed to change an unhealthy relationship and pattern for our own sake and mostly for the future of our family, meaning Brett, myself and our daughter. Part of this vow has included seeking a third party to help mediate and heal the misunderstandings that have occurred. And we WERE moving forward; trying to take little steps towards restoration...... But the prosecution has chosen to get in the middle of it and call our desire to get change and resolve things something ugly and negative; thus creating the accusation . The prosecution has decided to bombard us with long emails, texts and even *gasp* Facebook messages, saying things like "you should be ashamed of yourself" and insinuating that we aren't acting Christian. All of these messages are coming from fellow Christians and people that we care about very much too, which makes it even more hurtful and confusing. Here's the interesting part....guess what the prosecution's source is?

Gossip. 100% of it. People talking about us, complaining about us, etc.

Yup, you read that right. Wait though, us Christians NEVER gossip....just sometimes we have "prayer requests" that gives us a free pass to talk about people in a negative context....but as long as you disguise gossip as a prayer request, you are good to go, right? Or someone will say "how are so and so doing" and seeing an opportunity to "request prayer" you can say, "oh you need to pray for them because you will never believe what is going on, etc. etc.".......

And because we have chosen to NOT gossip, our side of the story goes unheard.

And that is the way it will stay.

My tongue is nearly chomped off at this point from me biting it constantly for the last week or so. Everything in me wants to get real ugly and bring out all the reasons as to why this conflict is happening and prove our point and make people understand why we have made a choice that we have. But instead I bite down. Because for me to get that point across, I would potentially make someone else look bad by revealing the hurtful actions and behaviors that have occurred, and I am not going to do that. I am better then that.

The message today was on messing up and sinning. Pastor Linda told the story of David and Bathsheba and how he had an affair with her, they conceived a baby, etc. About how David mourned his sin in the Psalms and asked God to create a clean heart in him.

I do not believe that we are in the wrong in our situation. And for the wrong that we have committed, we had actually already apologized and asked for forgiveness. I am sure that I have said things, thought things and maybe even behaved in a way that was driven by anger or hurt and that IS a sin, I can acknowledge that for sure. But you know what? God Himself never says, "you should be ashamed of yourself". Instead He says, "there is no condemnation for those who are in Christ". I am accountable to God for my actions and I don't have to listen to a single word that is written or texted or spoken that is judgmental or trying to prompt me into feeling shameful. Hallelujah!!

Pastor Linda talked about how we can fall into slimy pits of sin or despair. She said that often we will claw at the walls of our pit and then give up and start moving in furniture. And then, other Christians will walk by us in our pit and instead of offering to throw a rope or give you a boost out, they point at you and say "shame on you". How awful. I feel like I have been in a little bit of a pit this summer, not one of sin necessarily, but one of saying to myself "well, if all these people think that I am a bad person then I guess I am..."

I used to think very highly of what people thought of me and often my self worth was rooted in hearing compliments and words of affirmation. I feel like I have heard so much negativity this summer, it has cancelled out anything positive that may have been said. I feel like the Lord is calling me to Him and to see Him for my self worth. I am valuable not because of how I look, of what kind of car I drive, of how well dressed my daughter is, how clean my house is; none of that. I am valuable because first and foremost I am God's daughter! And then I am Brett's wife and Emersyn's mommy. That is enough for me.

This situation is really too bad and I pray for reconciliation someday. However, I have a daughter and a family to protect and in an effort to protect her, I need to protect myself from potential pits of depression or low self worth. I need to dive into God's word and equip myself with tools to combat those thoughts of doubt or of condemnation.

I hope that in no way I have offended anyone with some of my sarcasm about other Christians. I just think that we owe our Lord to be a better representative of Him sometimes. Myself included, believe me, this is something that I am well aware of. And remember, as Christians, we are all in this together! If you ever need a boost or a rope thrown while you are in a pit, just let me know! :)