Deferred Dreams

I had some thoughts swirling around in my head and sometimes blogging them out is the best thing to do with those kinds of thoughts. :)

As most of you know, I work away from my home part time. This is something I struggle with at times but most of the time I am fine with it. I am good at telling myself, "for such a time is this" and having a good attitude. Emersyn is a very well rounded child for the most part and I know that when I am at work, she is in very capable hands, whether with her Nana or at a playdate. On Thursdays she gets to have special afternoons with her Daddy and that makes me happy too. I don't have to work until 1pm so our mornings are very fun and often full of activities, playdates, or just some special Mommy/Emersyn time. I don't work so that we can afford a lavish lifestyle. I work so that I can help pay our bills and have affordable health insurance. People have said, "you really should look at your budget and see if you could stay home". It's not as simple as cutting out cable or not eating out as much. My husband is an amazing provider and an extremely hard worker for our family. I feel that he is undercompensated right now but his future is bright with the company he has been with for over two years now. God has really opened the right doors for him at his job and we know with all our hearts that God will bless Brett in his career.

But.

Every once in awhile I get impatient. And a little whiny. And I start feeling sorry for myself. I'm sure that never happens to any of you, right? :)

In my dreams, I never envisioned working while being a mom. Sometimes I express these concerns to the Lord, as if to show Him where He deviated from MY plans and offer Him the opportunity to fix it!

But then I read a story of a family that lost their child to cancer. I hear the Lord whisper to me, "Do you think their dreams included losing their child??".

I see my friends struggle with being single. "Do you think they dreamed of being single at this time in their lives??", He whispers.

I see different friends struggle with infertility. Again, probably not in their dreams either.

All the sudden, my deferred dreams don't seem so tragic or life alterring. (As I re-read this, I don't mean to imply that being single is tragic at ALL, I just know that many of my single friends long to find their husbands and that is a similar dream to mine, a family related dream).

I really should re-read "Anonymous", the book I read last summer. It is all about the "hidden" times in our life, when we feel like the Lord doesn't see or acknowledge how WE would do things differently.

Life is SO much bigger then what we make it sometimes and I believe that God has a purpose in everything. What if I am at my job right now JUST so that I can cultivate a friendship with someone that needs HIM in their lives? What if I am at this job just so that God can have an opportunity to prove His faithfulness and provision in my life, to use as a testimony later to bless someone else? What if, what if? He is the only one that can see ahead into our futures and knows the reason for every season in our lives. No season is more significant then another. I need to be better at trusting Him. I feel like I say that a lot. I need to put that into action though. What does trusting LOOK like for me? Something for me to ponder....

I never ached to be married with all my heart or waited a long time to have a child. Those dreams came true for me relatively easily. The dream of staying home with Emersyn and any future siblings is one that the Lord is requiring me to have some patience with. All I can do is be obedient, look at my husband and daughter and think to myself, "The Lord has been pretty stinkin' good to me so far......I think He has earned my trust".

What dreams are you waiting to see come true? What dreams have you had that you have HAD come true? I would love to hear some great testimony's ladies!!

7 Years Ago.....

7 years ago today Brett and I officially became Brett and I. We didn't really date....we basically went from being best friends to basically being engaged. I wouldn't have had it any other way. From the first moment that Brett and I were together, I had no doubts that he wanted to marry me. And a lot of that was because of the amazing friendship that we had going into our relationship. Brett and I were an unlikely couple. We were friends for a long time but had very similar strong willed personalities and while it was easy to envision the future together, it wasn't something that either of us embraced initially. :)

Brett and I had a little falling out when we were about 20ish. We had gotten VERY close and then Brett freaked out and ran away. He will NEVER admit that this is the case but take it from me, that's the true story. Basically we were starting to get to that unofficial couple status and that wasn't what Brett wanted and so he took of running. Running might be too mild of a description, he SPRINTED. Meanwhile, I started hanging out with a different group of friends and then consequentially, got my heart broken. I learned a LOT during this time, a lot about my faith, a lot about my self worth and what that was rooted in, and even though the lesson was painful, I know it very much made me who I am today and made me appreciate my Savior in a way that I would have never known. Having my heart broken (which was partially my own fault, it was a bad situation and I knew better) made me cling to the Lord and really commit my life to Him. I began to pour myself into ministry and into mentoring girls, hoping to instill a self worth in them that comes from knowing that you are God's daughter, not some guy's girlfriend. I became truly CONTENT. Seriously content. Like to the point where I could honestly say that I didn't care what direction that my life was headed in, I just wanted to love the Lord and do whatever He called me to do. But still, my heart had those twinges of longing for love. Longing for companionship. Right back when I started my road to recovery from my bad choices, Brett came back onto the scene and we slowly rekindled our friendship. Brett was an amazing example of a Godly man to me. He was a wonderful friend, had my best interests in mind and I knew that he would never take advantage of my vulnerability. Our friendship blossomed and became something that I was so happy about. But as we grew closer, a girl starts to wonder...where is this headed? Are these feelings leading to more then just friendship? But I remained content, trusting that the Lord would move things in His time. I was INSISTENT on not making a move, I would never want to start off a relationship wondering if Brett just said yes because he felt bad or because it was awkward not to. Although I really should have known him better, he would have just put his running shoes back on, ha! Anyways, so during this time I felt my heart starting to fall in love with my best friend but I told the Lord, let your will be done. Then Brett went on a missions trip to Samoa for 2 weeks and I really missed him while he was gone. I think that is when I realized how special our friendship was. This was the spring of 2002. Brett came back from the trip (and I so cleverly found an excuse to be at the airport when he got back , hee hee) and we went to coffee within a couple days of his return. At coffee we are chatting, having a good time, and then Brett proceeds to tell me that he and this other girl from his trip like each other now.

WHAT!?!?!?!?!??!?!?!?!??!?!

Ever so calmly, I smile and say "how exciting" like the good friend that I am. Meanwhile my heart is pounding, half full of disappointment, half full of RAGE and I get through the rest of coffee, just anxious to LEAVE. I drive to the house where I was housesitting and take their dog on a walk, muttering under my breath the whole time about how this is messed up and they can just have each other and good luck to them and other lovely jewels of bitterness. :) I get back to the house and am up in their office getting ready to get on their computer when I see a piece of paper laying on the side of the desk. I pick it up and it is a letter, I am not joking. It was a letter from God to his daughter. (I was housesitting for my youth pastor and his wife and this was something that he had received once and kept) The letter spoke to me like directly. Told me to knock of my worrying, that when the timing was right, God would work on my behalf and my job was to just be ready for it. I was so comforted and knew that this whole situation was probably just a test of my true contentment.

Within a couple months, Brett apparently got over this girl, nothing ever happened and it was probably one of those trip things where emotions are high and you lose all common sense, hee hee.

In June we were hanging out almost every night and it was just so much fun. So pure, so hard to truly describe but some of my favorite memories. Finally in July, Brett made his move. :) We were at the Laurelhurst Theater in Portland, watching "A Beautiful Mind" and I was wearing these bangle bracelets and Brett was playing with them and then eventually his hand made it way over to my leg and we were both staring straight at the screen, probably smiling like goons. :) I think the next night we finally held hands and then I think a week or so later, we kissed. I think about the second week we started talking about "someday" which was really talking about getting married. We started looking at rings in August, got engaged in December and married the following May. It was just so amazing and magical and I think that the awesome friendship that we had really contributes to the solid marriage that we have today. My prayer for Emersyn is that she wouldn't be eager to casually date and freely let boys access portions of her heart. Your heart is really the safest when it is in God's hands and when you give Him the power to hand it to whomever He sees fit. You will never regret friendship or purity. For some reason, boyfriends and dating and baggage is so glamourous in our society but when it comes down to it, the more of your heart that you have to give to your spouse, the better. Obviously we all have our own paths and our own lessons to learn, but I sure hope to be able to help my daughter hold out for a story similar to the one that her daddy and I share.

Thank you for making a move honey. :) This has truly been the best 7 years of my life and I couldn't be happier. I am so blessed.

Dream come true! :)

I have always wanted to be a soccer mom.

Baby = check! 

Soccer Ball = check!

Mini Van = check!

I have arrived. 

*happy sigh*

Thursday Ramblings

Friends, my heart is heavy. The beauty of blogging is that the world is free to see how you live, what's on your mind, etc. The bummer of blogging can be that the world is free to see how you live, what's on your mind, etc. Translation = there are only so many details that can be discussed on my blog, not knowing who for sure is reading it. :) But you know what? That is okay? If I were truly free to vent on here it might be tempting to wallow in self pity, take on a victim mentality, seek affirmation from all of you while slandering the "offending party". Instead, I will keep praying about this "thorn" and repeat to myself, "for when I am weak, then I am strong". I must be getting really strong because I sure feel weak. Brett and I haven't been sleeping well this week, have had upset stomachs, just overall feelings of stress. And we don't get stressed easily, life is too short to waste time and emotions on silly things like worry. I want what's best in this situation, I don't want my pride to get in the way (which is SO easier said then done at times), and I want the Lord to intervene. Ugh. It is just no fun in the meantime. Your prayers are appreciated. :)

But you know what IS fun???? Finding good deals on Craigslist!!! Look what Brett brought home the other day on his way home from work.....

How cute is this??? For a whopping $10!!!!!!

The family selling the bikes had twins so there were two bikes. Brett bought them both, $10/each. They were just so cute and we figured that we could give one to one of Emersyn's little friends or we could keep one at our house so that when her little friends come over, they can ride bikes together. Of course, Emersyn is NO where near being able to ride these trikes. We put her on it for fun and her feet aren't even CLOSE to the pedals. Still, it was such a good deal, too good of a deal to pass up in fact!! I thought these pics were really cute, Brett took them. He is a great photographer, I love his patience for our camera. I need to take some notes in that department.

Something else that is fun: we signed up Emersyn for SWIMMING LESSONS!!!!!! Oh my word, how cute is she going to be in the pool with the other babies!??! Clearly the cutest!!! Her lessons start at the end of June are are 30 minutes, twice a week. Brett is going to be in the pool with her on Tuesdays and I will do Thursdays. We are so so excited. Emersyn's first activity!!!!! I loved signing her up and seeing her name on the registration. I still can't believe that she is mine.

My mom left town yesterday, which was sad of course, but she is coming back for Emersyn's birthday so that is something to look forward to!!! Shortly after my mom left, my friend Tiffany and her little boy Riley came over to our house and are staying with us for a few days. Tiffany watched Ems yesterday afternoon and it sounds like they had a good time. It is crazy observing Riley and knowing that Emersyn isn't far from his age at all, he just turned 12 months. He is a doll and I SO wish that we lived closer so that I could watch him grow up but the magic of digital pictures and blogging will have to be good enough. Last night Tiffany and I went out to dinner and had a girls night while Brett stayed home with the babies. While I was at dinner, Brett texted me and said "Just looking at Ems makes me like you more". I nearly melted into a pile of goo, words of affirmation are probably my BIGGEST love language. It was just too sweet and I love my husband so much. Tiffany and I went to Gustav's, one of our favorite places. We had Chicken Schnitzel with potato pancaks. A M A Z I N G. It was fun to chat and catch up with each other. We got home around 9 and then watched "So You Think You Can Dance" with Brett. Love that show!!!!

Today Emersyn is with her future BFF, Sanjana Georgette and her mama, Miss Amancia. They are having SO much fun, I am sure, and for that my heart is happy. Emersyn just loves being around other kids and it is healthy for her to have good social interaction. I know she is in good care today and there is no better feeling as a mama.

Happy Thursday everyone!!!!